Ramblings and Confusions

Today I just want to ramble.

I’m sitting around. I’m waiting for you. Probably ridiculously stupid…right?

Here’s the thing, if you were waiting around for me, or any other guy for that matter, it would be considered sweet. I’m a girl though, so when I sit around and wait, it’s considered pathetic.

I’m not.

I’m not pathetic or weak. I’m not crazy or unstable. I’m not stupid or ugly. I’m not worthless or desperate.

Let me explain to you why I’m not any of those things.

First of all, I’m not pathetic because I’m driven. I have a purpose to my life. I’m not pathetic nor am I weak. I’m stronger than you think. I’ve been through so much more than you can ever imagine. I’m still here aren’t I? I’m still smiling and helping people. I’m not crazy, I have emotions that you don’t understand. I’m not unstable, I’m just hurt because you drag me in circles and play with my feelings. However I’m not unstable, I know exactly what I’m doing and why. I have every reason to. I’m stupid? Say that again to my 100 averages. Say that again when you see me graduating highschool at sixteen. I dare you. Me being ugly? Sorry that I look different. Different isn’t bad. I’m proud of how I look. I may not always like it, but no girl does. Do you know how many comments I get on my “natural beauty?” Just because you don’t like how I look, doesn’t mean that I’m ugly. I’m not worthless, nor should I be worthless to you. I’ve done so much for you. Who helped you whenever you needed it? Me. I’d love to see where you’d be in your life without me. You call me desperate? No. I’m a girl who has feelings for someone. That’s different. If I were “desperate” for a guy, I would chase after every guy that came along. No, I’d much prefer that I’m dedicated. I’m not a lost little puppy dog. I’m fiery and I stand up for myself.

I’m still waiting for you though.

Everyone thinks you have feelings for me…Even I myself think you have feelings for me.. I just don’t want to sound delusional or anything.

But you do care about me. Even when you say you don’t. I know you, and I know you care.

You still yell at people who put me down. You still keep me away from any scumbag people. You keep me out of bad situations. You still comfort me when I’m upset. You still linger to make sure I’m okay, even when I say you can go and have fun. You still look at me the way that you don’t look at other people. Your touch is still caring.

I know you better than anyone else. So don’t say you don’t care when you do. I know you.

I know your smile. I can tell when you’re faking. Your eyes say it all. I know your laugh. I know your walk. I know how you move. I know when you’re irritated and when you’re happy. I know when you’re upset and when you like someone. I know how you flirt. I know when its just your personality and when you truly are interested in someone. I know you. 

Can’t you just accept that I know you? I know your story, personality, mannerisms, and feelings.

Stop trying to force me to stop caring. It makes it worse. Just let it go away on its own.

Bethany

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Can’t go back..

“Some things you can’t go back to,

some things need left alone,

Don’t mess with the memories of a life passed on..”

I thought that no matter what.. You’d be the one person I’d always have. We were so alike. I guess we still are. But there’s something different about you now. You’re purposely trying to get me.. hurt? No.. Maybe not hurt. But you’re trying to get me to hurt other people. You know I speak my mind. You know I don’t let people walk all over me. So you used that to make me think someone hated me, that someone was saying stuff about me, and yet when I asked them about it. They didn’t. I think we both know that I know a liar. Well this person didn’t lie. So tell me what you’re trying to do. I used to trust you more then anyone but now? Now I can barely look you in the eye. I’m lying to you, I’m acting around you. I never used to do that. So where do we go from here? I don’t think I can trust you ever again. Apparently this isn’t the first time you’ve done this. I’m seeing through you now. I wish you hadn’t done this.. I wish you weren’t doing this.


“Don’t mess with the memories of a life passed on..”

~Emerald

The Final Day

The Final Day

The final day
the voice is calling.
The final day
I can hear them screaming.
Someone is hurting
can I help?
Someone is dying
what’s the point?
Who is it?
I can’t see her face.
Who is it?
She’s far too scarred.
There’s blood
it’s coming from her mouth.
There’s blood
covering the floor.
The final day
someone cries.
The final day
someone dies.

When Will You Realize

“No, she’d rather cut us than herself!”

Ouch.  Every time I replay that in my head, it makes me sound even more selfish each time.

Is that really what you think of me? Haven’t you noticed?

When Will You?

I wanna be found. I’m trying, my closest friends know. They’re helping somewhat.

But I think I need you. I’m in my good phase now, I want it to end. I don’t wanna slip. I don’t want to fall.

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you’d only try turning around.

I’ve been told I was dramatic. I’ve been told I was faking. I’ve been told it wasn’t real.

Some of my “friends” have mocked me for it. One of my ex’s told the entire town.  He didn’t care when I told him. Only one of them did. Others just brushed it off. I don’t want attention, I just want someone to care.

I’m breathing but I’m dead,

Bethany