Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside


When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

Please, Don’t Tell Me Misogyny Doesn’t Exist

I’m sure many of you have heard about Elliot Rodger’s shooting spree. If you haven’t, I would encourage you to look up the story. I heard about it on tumblr from two posts. First post. Second post. Feminism and anti-slut shaming are a constant topic in my blog, and that’s what this post will be about too.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist. 

I’m serious, don’t ever tell me it doesn’t exist or that there is no need for feminism. If you opened the link to the first post, you’ll see a collection of comments that were made on Rodger’s youtube video, which publicly proclaimed that he was going to “slaughter every single spoiled, stuck-up, blonde slut I see.” I’d advise watching this video with discretion. These comments are absolutely horrifying. Many of them are agreeing with Elliot, some are even calling his victims scum. Another said that he was helping spread God’s wrath on the sinners. Uh, one second. So because a girl doesn’t want to sleep with you, she’s a sinner? And..killing people is okay? Although quite a few said that Roder’s was a psycho and was completely off-his-rocker, the fact that anyone agreed with him is absolutely terrifying.

Elliot Rodger shot and killed six people, shot and injured seven others, run over four more and left a 13th with unspecified injuries Friday night as he stalked the streets of Isla Vista. (NBC) Why did he do this? Ultimately, because he was a virgin. He did this because in his mind he deserved to have sex. He was angry at girls for rejecting him, “the supreme gentleman” as he liked to call himself. So what did he do? He punished them in the worst way possible. He also said in his youtube video that he was the “alpha male.”

Hold up, so girls are required to have sex with a guy if they want it? Sorry, but we have free will over our bodies. You can’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist when things like this happen. You can’t tell me feminism isn’t needed when still a lot of people blame the girls for this. I’ve seen people saying that the girls should have just put out for Rodger. So now you’re telling me that if I don’t put out, some guy will have an excuse to kill me? Sorry, but that’s complete and absolute rubbish.

I should not be afraid for my life because I reject unwanted sexual advances. Nor should I be put down for either accepting or rejecting them. It’s my body, my choice, and my right.

A couple of years ago I was a prude because I hadn’t kissed a boy. I was being called this from ages 12-14. Can you imagine that? A girl being put down by boys for not kissing anyone, and only being twelve years old? When I got my first boyfriend it was drilled into my brain that without my body, I would be nothing. So over and over I let a boy use me for my body because I believed that was the only way to keep him. I was stupid, and never should have believed it, but there are many boys who do act like this and no one sees a problem with it.

Later on I was then made fun of and called a slut because I slept with that boy. No one asked for my side of the story. No one cared that the only reason I slept with him was because he basically said he would leave me if I said no. I was stupid.

But how was I to know any better? My whole life I had been told that being a virgin was a bad thing. Then as soon as I wasn’t a virgin, I was laughed at and called a slut by the same people.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist. 

Don’t do it. Because when I can’t make a choice without fearing for my life, or having to worry about people running their mouths about me, misogyny definitely exists. Please, don’t say feminism isn’t needed when people compare boys and girls having sex to a lock and key. You know the one, where if a lock can be used with any key it’s crappy, but if a key opens any lock then it’s awesome. Yeah. That. I heard that when I was a little girl. So from a young age I was being told that boys have more of a choice over their bodies than girls do.

A couple of years ago, I had it so drilled into my brain that anything “girly” was bad. It was so drilled into my brain that I quit wearing dresses, I forced myself to hate the colors pink and purple, and I even quit dancing even though I loved it. I wanted nothing to do with being girly because everyone around me acted like it was bad. Liking flowers and dresses isn’t bad. There’s nothing wrong with it. Not liking flowers or dresses isn’t bad either.

What is bad? Is when someone changes their preferences for society. It’s bad when it’s drilled into everyone’s brains to make sexist jokes and to deep down believe that the male gender is better.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist.


Rape Culture: It Does Exist

Today I was browsing through Facebook, and I stumbled upon an article that my friend shared from Time Magazine. The title? “It’s Time to End ‘Rape Culture’ Hysteria.”

That in itself is frightening. Even the idea that we should end the hysteria over Rape Culture is terrifying. The entire article was appalling, which is why I made such an effort to get to my laptop so I could type this out correctly. In the first paragraph, I found myself insulted and appalled.

“Recently, rape-culture theory has migrated from the lonely corners of the feminist blogosphere into the mainstream.”

Excuse me? Lonely corners? Are you trying to make feminist into a bad thing? If so then already your entire article is invalid.

“Though rape is certainly a serious problem, there’s no evidence that it’s considered a cultural norm. Twenty-first century America does not have a rape culture.”

Okay, the article is invalid anyways. I’m sorry, but no evidence that it’s considered a cultural norm? Lemme pull up my statistics.

1 out of 6 women have been the victim of attempted or completed rape in America.

17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.

Women aren’t the only ones who get raped either, about 3% of American males have been a victim of attempted or completed rape.


People are getting raped. The numbers are too high for anyone to say there isn’t a Rape Culture.

If that still doesn’t convince you about the obvious Rape Culture in America, then maybe a couple examples.

1. It’s actually normal for kids/teens to say things like “I raped that test” or that “I raped them in that soccer game.”

All this means is that they won easily, but they’re making light of a terrible situation. Not okay.

2. People make rape jokes

It’s a horrendous crime, yet people find it acceptable to make rape jokes. It’s not something to joke about, just like suicide and cutter jokes aren’t funny either.

Just stop.

3. Victim blaming

Victim blaming is where the victim of the rapists are blamed for being rape. For example, many girls who wear tighter clothes or more revealing are told that they are “asking for it.”

4. Rape has been trivialized through the media.

Todd Atkin was arguing against abortion when he said that woman’s bodies have a way to shut down during “legitimate rapes” and will not result in pregnancies.

Hold up, so anyone who does get raped and ends up pregnant…It wasn’t a legitimate rape? No.

Not only is there no evidence of this actually being true, but this also goes back to victim blaming.

5. Boys will be boys

This is where the actions of boys tend me overlooked or minimalize their behavior because “boys will be boys.”

There was one rape case where instead of focusing on the victim and how her life would be forever changed, the media focused on the boys and how their sports careers were ruined.

There’s a lot of victim blaming going on. There’s a lot of comments such as: why didn’t you fight him off? Why did you wear clothes like that? Why didn’t you just go along with it? Are you sure it was rape? Why didn’t you avoid that place? Why were you alone?

This isn’t what should be asked. It shouldn’t be pushed onto anyone that it’s their fault for getting raped. It shouldn’t be taught that we have to act a certain way to avoid being raped all the time. 

What should be being taught? Not to rape people.

“Modest is Hottest” … Or is That Just a Thought Pushed Onto Us?

There is so much controversy about modesty lately. Girls who dress modestly get laughed at (me personally) and girls who dress “immodestly” get shunned. There is a lot of slut-shaming happening lately, it isn’t right, and the whole issue of modesty is one of the biggest factors in this form of bullying. “Modest is Hottest” although I agree that we shouldn’t show off all of our bodies to everyone, it also isn’t other people’s place to tell girls to not wear what they would like to wear. Girls should not be ashamed of their bodies. God gave us boobs, curves, and butts, so why should we have to hide them? The definition of the word “Modesty” is not the same throughout the world. Some people can’t show their knees, and before in America girls weren’t allowed to wear pants. They showed too much of a girls shape according to society.

For me it depends on why you are showing off all (or most) of your body. A lot of girls dress in revealing clothes because they are insecure and feel like they need to show everything to get a guy to noticed or like them. To me that isn’t okay, but if they’re wearing clothes that look good, because they love their bodies… Props to them! It isn’t our place to tell girls what to or not to wear. Is it a girls fault if a guy’s eyes and minds wander? No, they can’t be blamed for that completely. Parents should teach their sons better.

So many people make it out that a girls body is an “evil” thing. To be covered up and hidden. They aren’t, they are beautiful, wonderful, and amazing things that God gave us. I personally don’t want every guy looking at my boobs or legs, so I’ll save that for those particular people I want to see. To each their own. Should we walk around naked? No, but it shouldn’t be up to other people what we do or don’t wear.

11 Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 

12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you – who are you to judge your neighbor?

– James 4:11 – 12


Why Isn’t Something Done?


That’s my topic right now, bullying. Bullying and why nothing is done about it. Sure, people talk about doing something about it, but rarely is something ever truly done about it.

Bullying is a serious issue that should not be overlooked. One in four students are bullied in school on a regular basis. Not just once in their life, but on a regular basis. This means they are getting constant abuse. Bullying can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, and even suicide.  Sometimes it is also the cause of grades dropping. Some kids are terrified of going to school or any social events.

Bullying comes in all shapes and forms. 

The sad part is that only 15 percent of the bullying cases, no action is taken against it, no prevention is used to try and stop it.  Read that number again. 15 percent. That means that 85 percent of the people who are getting bullied, don’t have anyone defending them.

A lot of schools say they are anti-bullying. If that’s so, why are there so many kids getting bullied? There’s such a lack of intervention and it’s disgusting. 

Do you know how many times I’ve heard that “kids will be kids” or that “I didn’t see it so I can’t do anything about it.”

There’s a girl in my school who has been going out of her way to make my life miserable. She will talk about me behind my back, spread every secret she has about me (which is a lot,) call me names, personally try to kill my self-esteem, make fun of how I look, and shun me from groups.  I talked to her about it and tried to resolve it, but that didn’t work. So I talked to my mom, who in turn brought it up with the school’s superintendent.

The superintendent said that several other mothers had come to her with issues about the same girl.  Apparently she had been bullying a lot of girls too. I don’t know these other girls seeing as how I’m new to the school, so it’s not like we all went to her to get her in trouble as a sneaky plan. The superintendent’s response to my mom’s concerns? “I’ll keep an eye on it.”

I don’t think that was the right way to handle the situation. Even a word could help the situation. Telling the bully that they need to back off could help so much. That could be the solution in some situations.

Still, nothing is done. Nothing is done when my twelve year old brother is being bullied. He’s the smartest, most creative, and most inventive kid I know. Still he’s bullied. Nothing is done with my nine year old brother is being bullied by kids. He’s the kindest, most compassionate kid I know. Why is nothing done? They come home crying from school. Isn’t it supposed to be “safe?”

Even when its the teacher being bullied, nothing is done. In my last post I talked about how some girls in my class were making fun of my substitute teacher. That is bullying. It was obviously one of the substitutes first times teaching, and the girls made it horrible for her. She was almost in tears when she sat down at her desk. Nothing was done about these girls. Not by their peers, not even by the substitute who has the authority to do something. I didn’t do anything and honestly that kills me. Am I really that weak?

I’ve been bullied constantly throughout my life. Every town I’ve lived in, I’ve been bullied. I usually got bullied verbally, sometimes physically, but it would especially come from over the internet or texts.

Gotta love social media..right?

One of my favorite things is that its so much easier for people to say horrible and mean things. (That was sarcasm in case you didn’t catch that.)

People who don’t even know you can say that you’re fat, ugly, annoying, stupid, awkward, or weird. Even better, its easier for people to gang up on someone.

There’s subtweets and facebook fights. There’s cruel status’ and texts. Once something is said you can’t take it back. Once it’s been shared its out there.  Sure you might be able to delete someone before someone sees it, but that’s actually hard to do.  Someone is bound to see it, and someone is definitely bound to be hurt by it.

These things hurt people. Some people may be able to brush it off, but others, it consumes their minds, their lives, and their happiness. KIDS kill themselves because of bullying. My brother, when he was maybe nine or ten wanted to die because of the things that were being said about him. He wasn’t even in high school yet. When I was twelve I started cutting. Some people found out and made fun of me for it.

If someone is hurting or self-conscious about something, why is it okay to be cruel to them? Why is it okay to break people until they’re nothing? Why does there have to be so many fake smiles and hidden scars?

Why why why is nothing done?



Stop Hurting Me

Get out, get out

Get out of my head

Leave me be

Baby please

Just leave me be…

Seriously, I just finally got over you, and now you decide it’s a good idea to start texting me? Starting conversations and acting flirty… and then shooting me down. Why do you think it’s a good idea to lead me on then act rude to me.

Stop hurting me.

You know you’re bringing up old feelings. You know how the words you say affect me.  So please…

Stop hurting me.

I’m not strong enough. I always thought I was strong… But I’m not. I’m really not… At least when it comes to you.

Yes I admit it, I’d fall back into your arms the moment you asked… But you hurt me, and it would be wrong to. So can’t you just please leave me be.

Stop making me feel like I’m not enough. Stop making me feel like I need you. Stop making me feel weak. Stop breaking my heart. Stop leading me on. Stop crushing me. Stop treating me like this.

Stop hurting me…