Snow is Glistening, a Beautiful Sight, but I am NOT Happy Tonight

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I should love winter. I work at a ski resort and I love to ski and snowboard. Snow is my favorite thing other than Christmas trees

But my winter is filled with horrible memories of every single one of my abusive exes.. I’m reminded of our good times and our bad. I’m reminded of being raped and sexually assaulted.

I fucking hate winter.

Exhaustion Exhaustion

I have 4 minutes to get this in. I’m really trying to post one a day. Oh dear lanta.

Okay, what happened today… I went to the dentist.. had no cavities, they said some of my issues could have been from PCOS so that’s fun.

Argued with my manager..kind of..we didn’t really argue but we were both definitely annoyed with each other. No bueno. Nopedy nope. But my mother did agree with me so that’s cool…

Ummm I wrote a fun and personal paper which is why I’m up so late. Are you supposed to mention your depression in your papers? Oh well. I am kind of happy today though because I finally got a hoop for my nose piercing and it doesn’t look horrible.

Oh yes, and my tummy..still so funny :(

Bethany

Giving Thanks, I’m Trying

Today is all about being thankful and honestly it’s a struggle right now. I feel bleak and like I’ve lost a lot of hope. Not only is there this sickness inside of me, but there’s sickness around me, in my soul, in my family.

I started my medication last night and I’m still freaking out about my insulin and PCOS, along with my future. The medication is really messing my stomach up and we still haven’t figured out the pain in my side. So my body is in pain and honestly I just feel gross.

But that doesn’t compare to the sickness I felt while being around my family – because I felt sick in my heart and soul then. Maybe that’s dramatic, but honestly I don’t care, that’s what I feel. I wanted to go back to writing what I feel here and to be honest with myself.

I felt sick. I felt sick watching them be sexist and enforcing toxic mentalities in the children. I felt sick watching how once again, the men refused to help clean up or help make dinner, but the women do it all so graciously. I’m sick of the racism. I’m sick of the homophobia. I’m sick of the ignorance. I’m sick and tired of all of this. I tried to avoid it. I try to ignore it when I can’t handle it, but it follows me everywhere. I can’t even speak up about it when I’m at home.

So through all this it’s really hard not to slip. It’s hard to not get depressed. Maybe people find that ridiculous but it still is how it is. I hate this.

I’m trying to be thankful for what I have but in that I feel guilty and I feel sick.

Bethany

My ex tried to tell me that the reason he can’t talk to me is because he’s in Canada and the apps work differently there or don’t work at all.

Darling, that’s not how it works. Please at least TRY to be a good liar as you’re insulting my intelligence.

Bethany

The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.

 

I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.

 

I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.

 

I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.

 

So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.

 

So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.

 

But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.

 

I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.

 

In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.

Bethany

Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside

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When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

Least Favorite Picture on the Internet and Why

This is really one of my least favorite picture circling the web right now because it minimizes the real issues.
 
One problem with this is that surprise, we don’t do a good job of supporting women to go into the STEM careers… And yes, there are studies on this.
 
In addition to this there are also new studies coming out looking at how wages change based on if they are male or female dominated jobs. For example, women dominated the computer programming field originally but then when men began to overtake the field, the wages spiked. In comparison, camp administration, working in parks, designing, and housekeeping were originally male dominated, then when women overtook the wages dropped majorly (some by like 50%)
 
Now some of this could be totally unrelated to gender but its still a valuable thing to look into as well as how women and girls are not fully encouraged to go into STEM fields… (And those who are in there may not exactly be treated the same..like the studies that came out that showed biases in men against women.) Oh! and I think women hold a very high degree rate (high fifties) in STEM degrees but hold a low amount of jobs within STEM careers. Some of this can be attributed to the hiring process, where yes, there is a gender bias that has been found through study..
 
Is everything a gender bias and sexist? Naw. Is feminist dance therapy probably a bad career choice? Maybe. I mean unless there’s openings for that or something… Either way do what you love. BUT I still think we need to be looking at the facts. There IS a gender bias within the STEM fields and it’s been proven. Seriously, a lot of jobs are given to people who have names that are viewed as masculine over names that sound feminine – this is with the exact same resume. There IS a lack of encouragement for women/girls to join these majors even from a young age.. That’s been proven too.. So it’s a much bigger issue than what this tweet implies.

So yeah, I have an issue with this tweet and how people think it’s a simple solution.
Bethany 

College and Anxiety

Colleges and their professors on a basis, are not inclusive or highly aware of students who struggle with either or both, depression and anxiety. However to allow students to get the most out of their college experience

  • In 2011 30% of students surveyed said that they felt “so depressed it was too difficult to function” in the past year at least once.
  • In 2011 6% of students seriously considered suicide.
  • In 2011 1% of students attempted suicide
  • Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in ages 15-24.
  • Anxiety is the top concern among students (41.6%) followed closely by depression (36.4%) and relationship problems (35.8%)
  • Panic disorder is the top reason women drop out of college.
  • Anxiety rates have risen to epidemic proportions in the past couple years among students.

So what? Is anxiety and depression actually an issue that should be addressed? Why yes of course! As shown by the survey done in 2011, sometimes depression can make it impossible for students to even get out of bed and function correctly.

Those with depression may experience:

  • Loss of interest in hobbies
  • Lack of energy
  • Problems with concentrating
  • Memory loss
  • Problems with decision making
  • Insomnia
  • Restlessness
  • Staying asleep for too long
  • Loss of appetite or eating more than usual
  • Aches, cramps, headaches, and persistent digestive problems
  • Thoughts or attempts of suicide

Those with anxiety may experience:

  • Feelings of apprehension or dread
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Feeling tense and jumpy
  • Anticipating the worst
  • Irritability
  • Restlessness
  • Watching for signs of danger
  • Feeling like your mind’s gone blank
  • Pounding heart
  • Sweating
  • Stomach upset or dizziness
  • Frequent urination or diarrhea
  • Shortness of breath
  • Tremors and twitches
  • Muscle tension
  • Headaches
  • Fatigue
  • Insomnia

Those having an anxiety/panic attack might experience:

  • Surge of overwhelming panic
  • Feeling of losing control or going crazy
  • Heart palpitations or chest pain
  • Feeling like you’re going to pass out
  • Trouble breathing or choking sensation
  • Hyperventilation
  • Hot flashes or chills
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Nausea or stomach cramps
  • Feeling detached or unreal
  • Feeling unreal or detached from your surroundings
  • Sweating
  • Feeling dizzy, lightheaded, or faint
  • Fear of dying, losing control, or going crazy
  • Numbness or tingling sensations

As seen, it would be extremely hard for a student to function in class or even make it to class while having anxiety. Many students end up failing classes or having to drop out because panic attacks might make it so they can’t go to class. There are things professors can do to that will allow students to have an easier time in class.

These things include:

  • Being predictable
  • Format of class up front
  • Allow for some student control
  • Being flexible
  • Understand they can’t always be there
  • Set up fallbacks in case they miss class
  • Be trusting; they aren’t lying about anxiety

There’s so many reasons why I believe professors need to become more educated on the effects of anxiety and depression. For me especially this is important because this year I had several professors who yelled at me for missing class, when I informed them upfront I have extreme social anxiety and that this might happen. I have had college professors who actually helped me through my anxiety and got me into the counseling center. However, this semester I had two professors who told me that the only option was to drop out, grow up, get over it, or take online classes. It’s extremely difficult to get excused absences for anxiety attacks. Most colleges don’t recognize it as an actual medical hindrance. This means college professors need to take the initiative to help their students through college. It’s not just about stress, it’s an actual problem that needs to be helped.

Bethany

My Own Words

“Never run back to what broke you.” (Bigballofwibblywobbly)

171,090 notes. They’re my own words. At least 85,545 people agree with me. (Unless of course someone is obsessively reblogging it.) Those are my very own words. Yet why can’t I follow them?

I can’t stay away from the thing, the very person, who broke me. He hurt me. He broke me. He shattered me. Yet I run back to him. Every time I run back.

I ran back again, and he used me. He tried to destroy me. He tried to get my college campus to believe that I was a slut who threw myself at him. I didn’t. Pictures of me, sent to him because he was badgering me, are being passed around. Everyone knows and many have seen. So I’m done.

I will listen to my own words, and never, ever, run back to what broke me. Him. 

Bethany