Snow is Glistening, a Beautiful Sight, but I am NOT Happy Tonight

image1-2

I should love winter. I work at a ski resort and I love to ski and snowboard. Snow is my favorite thing other than Christmas trees

But my winter is filled with horrible memories of every single one of my abusive exes.. I’m reminded of our good times and our bad. I’m reminded of being raped and sexually assaulted.

I fucking hate winter.

Exhaustion Exhaustion

I have 4 minutes to get this in. I’m really trying to post one a day. Oh dear lanta.

Okay, what happened today… I went to the dentist.. had no cavities, they said some of my issues could have been from PCOS so that’s fun.

Argued with my manager..kind of..we didn’t really argue but we were both definitely annoyed with each other. No bueno. Nopedy nope. But my mother did agree with me so that’s cool…

Ummm I wrote a fun and personal paper which is why I’m up so late. Are you supposed to mention your depression in your papers? Oh well. I am kind of happy today though because I finally got a hoop for my nose piercing and it doesn’t look horrible.

Oh yes, and my tummy..still so funny :(

Bethany

Giving Thanks, I’m Trying

Today is all about being thankful and honestly it’s a struggle right now. I feel bleak and like I’ve lost a lot of hope. Not only is there this sickness inside of me, but there’s sickness around me, in my soul, in my family.

I started my medication last night and I’m still freaking out about my insulin and PCOS, along with my future. The medication is really messing my stomach up and we still haven’t figured out the pain in my side. So my body is in pain and honestly I just feel gross.

But that doesn’t compare to the sickness I felt while being around my family – because I felt sick in my heart and soul then. Maybe that’s dramatic, but honestly I don’t care, that’s what I feel. I wanted to go back to writing what I feel here and to be honest with myself.

I felt sick. I felt sick watching them be sexist and enforcing toxic mentalities in the children. I felt sick watching how once again, the men refused to help clean up or help make dinner, but the women do it all so graciously. I’m sick of the racism. I’m sick of the homophobia. I’m sick of the ignorance. I’m sick and tired of all of this. I tried to avoid it. I try to ignore it when I can’t handle it, but it follows me everywhere. I can’t even speak up about it when I’m at home.

So through all this it’s really hard not to slip. It’s hard to not get depressed. Maybe people find that ridiculous but it still is how it is. I hate this.

I’m trying to be thankful for what I have but in that I feel guilty and I feel sick.

Bethany

My ex tried to tell me that the reason he can’t talk to me is because he’s in Canada and the apps work differently there or don’t work at all.

Darling, that’s not how it works. Please at least TRY to be a good liar as you’re insulting my intelligence.

Bethany

The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.

 

I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.

 

I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.

 

I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.

 

So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.

 

So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.

 

But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.

 

I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.

 

In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.

Bethany

Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside

13600055_10210457794110008_3070019806147756770_n

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40