The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.


I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.


I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.


I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.


So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.


So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.


But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.


I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.


In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.


Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside


When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

You Held My Heart

I thought it was my own, and that I kept it for myself

but I was wrong, because someone else had it

You held my heart with your own hands;

long fingers wrapped around the beating mass

Claiming it-taking it as your own

squeezing it-shooting pain into my chest

I became a puppet to you;

you were pulling on the strings

A puppet for you to  break, hurt, or destroy

as you pleased

In the end I was destroyed;

because you held my heart.


Why Be Day When You Could Be the Night?

Why Be Day When You Could Be The Night?

Why be day?
When you could be the night.
Next to the dark allure
the golden glow is nothing.
Dark velvet you could almost feel
calling your name
mysterious whispers beckoning you.
Beckoning you to the diamond-littered place above.
When the monsters come out
and the average hide
a place for the bold
Why be day?
When you could be the night.


Everything I Couldn’t Be

Everything I Couldn’t Be

I always held myself…

so high

I always thought I…

was better

And now I start to see,

you’re better than I ever was

And now I start to see

you’ve become all that I couldn’t be

Sometimes I wish I knew

exactly what they’re thinking

Sometimes I wish even though

I know it will hurt

I always thought I was better

and I always held myself so high

But now you’re the one and now

you’re everything I ever wanted


Pretty Faces

Pretty Faces

Pretty faces passing by
Staring at me as I look down
I’m ashamed of who and what I am
Everything I’ve become

The voices in my head scream
They won’t stop shouting
Worthless, disgusting, terrible
Their voices pounding

I don’t want to believe them
I don’t want it to be true
But I know it is
I know that’s who I am

On the bathroom floor
Shaking and shuddering
I’m gasping for air
How have I become this person?

I envy them
Those with the pretty faces
They can look up without a care
Unashamed with their being