Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside

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When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

Pretty Faces

Pretty Faces

Pretty faces passing by
Staring at me as I look down
I’m ashamed of who and what I am
Everything I’ve become

The voices in my head scream
They won’t stop shouting
Worthless, disgusting, terrible
Their voices pounding

I don’t want to believe them
I don’t want it to be true
But I know it is
I know that’s who I am

On the bathroom floor
Shaking and shuddering
I’m gasping for air
How have I become this person?

I envy them
Those with the pretty faces
They can look up without a care
Unashamed with their being

Bethany

You Make Me Fall

You Make Me Fall

You make me fall to pieces
you make me fall before you
You wonder why I do
you’ll never know

You make me fall to pieces
you make me fall before you
I’m ashamed of who I am
I’m ashamed of what I’ve become

You make me fall to pieces
you make fall before you
I’ll start screaming out your name
and wonder what I’ve done

How do I deserve this?
I’ve become this person.
How do I know that what
you say is what you want

You make me fall to pieces
you make fall before you
You make me wonder
why I do what I do

You make me fall…

Bethany

Black Moon

Black Moon

Black moon, silver sky
oh she’s trying,
to get by
Golden skin, pale hair
no one told you,
it’d be fair
Green snow, white grass
someone once said its like,
trying to break the glass
Crimson tears, clear blood
you want to try,
but no one ever said you could
Silver moon, black sky
oh she’s trying
to get by
Pale skin, golden hair
no one told you,
it’d be fair
White snow, green grass
someone once said its like,
trying to break the glass
Clear tears, crimson blood
you want to try,
but no one ever said you could…
Bethany

The Darkness

The Darkness

The darkness is closing in
darker, darker
Dark.

People are vanishing from sight
Vanishing, vanishing
Vanished.

My sanity is leaving me
going, going,
Gone.

My thoughts echo in my head
Contemplating these dark thoughts
They reside in my head.

“Who am I now,
Am I still myself
or have I become someone else?

What am I now,
Am I still human
or have I become a monster?”

I can’t get them out
staying, staying
Always.

I am lost in my dark thoughts
forever, forever
Forever lost in my dark thoughts.

Bethany