The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.

 

I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.

 

I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.

 

I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.

 

So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.

 

So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.

 

But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.

 

I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.

 

In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.

Bethany

Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside

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When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

You Held My Heart

I thought it was my own, and that I kept it for myself

but I was wrong, because someone else had it

You held my heart with your own hands;

long fingers wrapped around the beating mass

Claiming it-taking it as your own

squeezing it-shooting pain into my chest

I became a puppet to you;

you were pulling on the strings

A puppet for you to  break, hurt, or destroy

as you pleased

In the end I was destroyed;

because you held my heart.

Bethany

#YesAllWomen

Yes, all women have been demeaned by men.

Yes, all women have been harassed.

Yes, all women are disgusted by Elliot Rodgers, a topic which I already wrote about in a recent post.

What is #YesAllWomen? It’s a hashtag that started awhile ago in response to Male Rights Activist’s complaints of things such as “friend-zoning.” However, this hashtag didn’t start trending until about two nights ago.

Since then there has been a massive surge of both women and men speaking up for Women’s Rights. There’s thousands upon thousands of tweets of women and men who are absolutely horrified at the way women are treated. I’d like to say right now, that it is not all men who do this, but it is all women who receive.

Why Do We Need #YesAllWomen?

Weight Room

CapturesputnikBojYLo6IUAAdy34JigsawFacebookJoke(I believe he’s suggesting it’s okay to joke about people being killed because they wouldn’t put out…Not okay.)

#YesAllWomen is the TOP Trend on Twitter Right Now

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#YesAllWomen is important, and no, it’s #NotAllMen but that’s not what these tweets are saying. If you’re one of the males who whine about your own hurt feelings instead of the horrors many of these women have gone through, please go reevaluate your life. Feminism isn’t bashing men. Feminism is getting women on equal ground as men. Many of these women are getting harassed for simply putting their stories out there.

Not all men, but far too many.

I need #YesAllWomen because my first boyfriend told me that if I didn’t sleep with him, I was going to be alone, pathetic, and useless.

I need #YesAllWomen because I’m afraid to walk home alone at night.

I need #YesAllWomen because there’s a teacher at my school who makes the girls with big breasts sit up front.

I need #YesAllWomen because people laughed when I told them I was going on a two week camping trip.

I need #YesAllWomen because almost all of my guy friends have either asked me for sex or pictures.

I need #YesAllWomen because I lost several friends because they got angry when I said no.

I need #YesAllWomen because girls around me are raped and abused.

I need #YesAllWomen because we are told that “boys will be boys.”

The world needs feminism because everyone should be equal. The world needs feminism because rape has been renamed “non-consensual sex” so it sounds better. The world needs feminism because people are being told that acting like a girl is bad. The world needs feminism because misogyny hinders both men and women’s actions.

Men aren’t allowed to cry. Men have to play sports. Men can’t do theatre. Men can’t opt to be stay-at-home fathers. Men can’t wear makeup, carry purses or treat themselves to spa days. Men are restricted from doing certain activities on the basis of their gender just as females are.  (Boys Need Feminism, Too)

#YesAllWomen

Bethany

Cinderella

Cinderella
famous little Cinder
Everyone knows her
everyone knows the story

Except they don’t
because she didn’t get her happy ending
Her prince didn’t find her after midnight
but who would want to hear about that

Snow White
beautiful little Snow
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she didn’t get her prince
He never came to save her
but who would want to hear about that

Sleeping Beauty
dreamlike Aurora
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she wasn’t woken by a kiss
The man wanted too much
but who would want to hear about that

The Little Mermaid
curious little Ariel
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she got her legs
She couldn’t get her prince anyways
but who would want to hear about that

Beauty
precious little Belle
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because the beast was cruel
He wasn’t a prince in disguise
but who would want to hear about that

Jasmine
fair princess of Agrabah
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because there was no magic carpet ride
Just an arranged marriage to a boring man
but who would want to hear about that

Pocahontas
adventurous daughter of the chief
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because John couldn’t see her as a person
She was only another savage to him
but who would want to hear about that

Mulan
daring savior of China
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because rules were rules
Women weren’t allowed to shame the army like that
but who would want to hear about that

The Frog Princess
hardworking little Tiana
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because there’s no magic
Which means no marriage to Naveen
but who would want to hear about that

Rapunzel
beautiful little flower
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she was stolen
She was never found
but who would want to hear about that

Merida
brave little red head
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she had to chose one of the suitors
In those times she wasn’t allowed to be on her own
but who would want to hear about that

Anna
reckless little sister
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she couldn’t be unfrozen
No matter how much love there was in the world
but who would want to hear about that…

Bethany

Sometimes I Hate Being Right

Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.

You and I fought all the time about whether or not I knew you. I did. You admitted it last night too. This whole time, all the times you’ve been angry and annoyed at me, at least lately, is because you’re upset with yourself. You’re upset with yourself because you still feel something for me and you shouldn’t. You told me last night. This is what I’ve been thinking for awhile

I hate that I’m right. I don’t want you to have any feelings for me, because I have an extremely large amount of feelings left for you. You feeling anything towards me gives me hope. I don’t want hope. I want to be over you.

I’m not though. I’m not over you. I still get excited when you text me. I still miss you and think about you. Whenever someone asks who I like the first person to pop into my head is you… Not Josh. You’re jealous of him too. I hate that you’re jealous. I don’t want you upset at all. If you asked me to stop with him I would. It makes me terrible.

I would though. You know I would. You know I care about you and how I feel about you. You like me but don’t want to date me…

Oddly enough we’re actually happy this time though, which is weird. We’re getting along and making up odd nicknames for each other. This is weird. I like it though. I think. I just don’t want you unhappy.

You told me you wouldn’t leave this time. I’m trusting you again.

Bethany