The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.


I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.


I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.


I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.


So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.


So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.


But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.


I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.


In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.


Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside


When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

You Held My Heart

I thought it was my own, and that I kept it for myself

but I was wrong, because someone else had it

You held my heart with your own hands;

long fingers wrapped around the beating mass

Claiming it-taking it as your own

squeezing it-shooting pain into my chest

I became a puppet to you;

you were pulling on the strings

A puppet for you to  break, hurt, or destroy

as you pleased

In the end I was destroyed;

because you held my heart.



Yes, all women have been demeaned by men.

Yes, all women have been harassed.

Yes, all women are disgusted by Elliot Rodgers, a topic which I already wrote about in a recent post.

What is #YesAllWomen? It’s a hashtag that started awhile ago in response to Male Rights Activist’s complaints of things such as “friend-zoning.” However, this hashtag didn’t start trending until about two nights ago.

Since then there has been a massive surge of both women and men speaking up for Women’s Rights. There’s thousands upon thousands of tweets of women and men who are absolutely horrified at the way women are treated. I’d like to say right now, that it is not all men who do this, but it is all women who receive.

Why Do We Need #YesAllWomen?

Weight Room

CapturesputnikBojYLo6IUAAdy34JigsawFacebookJoke(I believe he’s suggesting it’s okay to joke about people being killed because they wouldn’t put out…Not okay.)

#YesAllWomen is the TOP Trend on Twitter Right Now


#YesAllWomen is important, and no, it’s #NotAllMen but that’s not what these tweets are saying. If you’re one of the males who whine about your own hurt feelings instead of the horrors many of these women have gone through, please go reevaluate your life. Feminism isn’t bashing men. Feminism is getting women on equal ground as men. Many of these women are getting harassed for simply putting their stories out there.

Not all men, but far too many.

I need #YesAllWomen because my first boyfriend told me that if I didn’t sleep with him, I was going to be alone, pathetic, and useless.

I need #YesAllWomen because I’m afraid to walk home alone at night.

I need #YesAllWomen because there’s a teacher at my school who makes the girls with big breasts sit up front.

I need #YesAllWomen because people laughed when I told them I was going on a two week camping trip.

I need #YesAllWomen because almost all of my guy friends have either asked me for sex or pictures.

I need #YesAllWomen because I lost several friends because they got angry when I said no.

I need #YesAllWomen because girls around me are raped and abused.

I need #YesAllWomen because we are told that “boys will be boys.”

The world needs feminism because everyone should be equal. The world needs feminism because rape has been renamed “non-consensual sex” so it sounds better. The world needs feminism because people are being told that acting like a girl is bad. The world needs feminism because misogyny hinders both men and women’s actions.

Men aren’t allowed to cry. Men have to play sports. Men can’t do theatre. Men can’t opt to be stay-at-home fathers. Men can’t wear makeup, carry purses or treat themselves to spa days. Men are restricted from doing certain activities on the basis of their gender just as females are.  (Boys Need Feminism, Too)




famous little Cinder
Everyone knows her
everyone knows the story

Except they don’t
because she didn’t get her happy ending
Her prince didn’t find her after midnight
but who would want to hear about that

Snow White
beautiful little Snow
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she didn’t get her prince
He never came to save her
but who would want to hear about that

Sleeping Beauty
dreamlike Aurora
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she wasn’t woken by a kiss
The man wanted too much
but who would want to hear about that

The Little Mermaid
curious little Ariel
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she got her legs
She couldn’t get her prince anyways
but who would want to hear about that

precious little Belle
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because the beast was cruel
He wasn’t a prince in disguise
but who would want to hear about that

fair princess of Agrabah
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because there was no magic carpet ride
Just an arranged marriage to a boring man
but who would want to hear about that

adventurous daughter of the chief
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because John couldn’t see her as a person
She was only another savage to him
but who would want to hear about that

daring savior of China
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because rules were rules
Women weren’t allowed to shame the army like that
but who would want to hear about that

The Frog Princess
hardworking little Tiana
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because there’s no magic
Which means no marriage to Naveen
but who would want to hear about that

beautiful little flower
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she was stolen
She was never found
but who would want to hear about that

brave little red head
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she had to chose one of the suitors
In those times she wasn’t allowed to be on her own
but who would want to hear about that

reckless little sister
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she couldn’t be unfrozen
No matter how much love there was in the world
but who would want to hear about that…


Sometimes I Hate Being Right

Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.

You and I fought all the time about whether or not I knew you. I did. You admitted it last night too. This whole time, all the times you’ve been angry and annoyed at me, at least lately, is because you’re upset with yourself. You’re upset with yourself because you still feel something for me and you shouldn’t. You told me last night. This is what I’ve been thinking for awhile

I hate that I’m right. I don’t want you to have any feelings for me, because I have an extremely large amount of feelings left for you. You feeling anything towards me gives me hope. I don’t want hope. I want to be over you.

I’m not though. I’m not over you. I still get excited when you text me. I still miss you and think about you. Whenever someone asks who I like the first person to pop into my head is you… Not Josh. You’re jealous of him too. I hate that you’re jealous. I don’t want you upset at all. If you asked me to stop with him I would. It makes me terrible.

I would though. You know I would. You know I care about you and how I feel about you. You like me but don’t want to date me…

Oddly enough we’re actually happy this time though, which is weird. We’re getting along and making up odd nicknames for each other. This is weird. I like it though. I think. I just don’t want you unhappy.

You told me you wouldn’t leave this time. I’m trusting you again.


“Modest is Hottest” … Or is That Just a Thought Pushed Onto Us?

There is so much controversy about modesty lately. Girls who dress modestly get laughed at (me personally) and girls who dress “immodestly” get shunned. There is a lot of slut-shaming happening lately, it isn’t right, and the whole issue of modesty is one of the biggest factors in this form of bullying. “Modest is Hottest” although I agree that we shouldn’t show off all of our bodies to everyone, it also isn’t other people’s place to tell girls to not wear what they would like to wear. Girls should not be ashamed of their bodies. God gave us boobs, curves, and butts, so why should we have to hide them? The definition of the word “Modesty” is not the same throughout the world. Some people can’t show their knees, and before in America girls weren’t allowed to wear pants. They showed too much of a girls shape according to society.

For me it depends on why you are showing off all (or most) of your body. A lot of girls dress in revealing clothes because they are insecure and feel like they need to show everything to get a guy to noticed or like them. To me that isn’t okay, but if they’re wearing clothes that look good, because they love their bodies… Props to them! It isn’t our place to tell girls what to or not to wear. Is it a girls fault if a guy’s eyes and minds wander? No, they can’t be blamed for that completely. Parents should teach their sons better.

So many people make it out that a girls body is an “evil” thing. To be covered up and hidden. They aren’t, they are beautiful, wonderful, and amazing things that God gave us. I personally don’t want every guy looking at my boobs or legs, so I’ll save that for those particular people I want to see. To each their own. Should we walk around naked? No, but it shouldn’t be up to other people what we do or don’t wear.

11 Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 

12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you – who are you to judge your neighbor?

– James 4:11 – 12


Stop Hurting Me

Get out, get out

Get out of my head

Leave me be

Baby please

Just leave me be…

Seriously, I just finally got over you, and now you decide it’s a good idea to start texting me? Starting conversations and acting flirty… and then shooting me down. Why do you think it’s a good idea to lead me on then act rude to me.

Stop hurting me.

You know you’re bringing up old feelings. You know how the words you say affect me.  So please…

Stop hurting me.

I’m not strong enough. I always thought I was strong… But I’m not. I’m really not… At least when it comes to you.

Yes I admit it, I’d fall back into your arms the moment you asked… But you hurt me, and it would be wrong to. So can’t you just please leave me be.

Stop making me feel like I’m not enough. Stop making me feel like I need you. Stop making me feel weak. Stop breaking my heart. Stop leading me on. Stop crushing me. Stop treating me like this.

Stop hurting me…


Do You Believe in Miracles?

You got me up from down
Faith has shattered my doubts
I believe in miracles

Do you believe in miracles? No? Well I do. Sometimes you don’t realize right away what a miracle is. It could be as simple as something happening at just the right moment. It doesn’t have to be someone coming alive again after being dead.

My miracles I’ve experienced and realized that I’ve experienced are really quite amazing when you think about it. I took them for granted at first, but without some of these happening, I may not be here today.

My first miracle was when I was around ten or eleven years old. I’d had major hip issues and had surgery on it twice. I was born with a dislocated hip that they missed, so it didn’t grow right. For quite a few years of my life I was unable to walk because I was in a full body cast. You know the age when most kids are starting to crawl and take their first steps? Yeah I was left behind in that, but even though I was in a full body cast, it didn’t stop me from trying to crawl around or pull myself up onto my feet. Most kids could sit in the grocery cart seats. I couldn’t.  I had a metal bar in between my legs keeping them open. It was awful. No one wanted to babysit me because I was such a trouble with my body cast. People told my mother that she couldn’t leave me in the nursery because I was too much for them to take care of. I was told that when I was sixteen I was going to have to have another surgery on my hip. It still wasn’t growing right. I had to see a doctor two hours away every couple of months. I honestly feel bad for all the trouble my parents had to go through for me.

When I was ten I had three goals, soccer, dancing, and ski racing, they were my life. Having another surgery on my hip could stop me from doing those sports.  I was really worried because they had said that I had to have another surgery or else I may not be able to walk properly when I was older. My mom suggested we pray about it. My entire church prayed for me a couple Sundays in a row.  Two or three months later I went to my doctor again.

“Come here! Come look at this!”

I remember being terrified as they called my mom in.

“Her hip is in the right place. Its growing correctly!”

In the end they said I only had to come back once a year. Then it was two years. Now, I don’t have to go back. I’m sixteen, and my hips are fine. They pop and crack because I’m growing, but they’re normally sized, I walk fine, I can still ski and play soccer.

That was my first miracle, now for my second. This is something I remember pretty well because it happened nine months ago, not a couple years like with my hip. I had been going through a pretty hard time in my life. I was with (or getting left by) a mentally abusive guy who was making it as painful as possible for me. It was New Years Eve, I hated myself. I hated my life. I hated him. I didn’t think I was worth it. I didn’t want to be alive.

Then I met someone. Someone so perfectly amazing, and so perfectly annoying. Why so annoying? Because he kept bothering me and bothering me. How do you work this camera? What’s aperture? What’s your name? Do you snowboard?

Yeah, so he was annoying.. But he was bouncing around so full of joy. He was taking an interest in me. He made such an effort to talk to me and I couldn’t figure out why, but I wanted to find out. That night I decided I would stop cutting. I contribute that decision to meeting him.

The next day he talked to me again, and then every day after that. We started texting, he would call me at night and play piano to help me fall asleep. We weren’t an item, and I don’t think we ever will be. He’s older and I dated his younger brother so I don’t think we will ever want to be together.

But, he will always be my best friend. He was my miracle. Right when I thought no one loved me, cared for me, liked me, or even wanted to bother with me… He showed me a whole new world. (Aladdin reference!) He honestly did though, he forces me to be optimistic, and he changed my view on life. I can call him whenever I want, even if he’s in class. He’s like my older brother and I’m so glad he came into my life. At the perfect time, isn’t that a miracle? My life is so much better since I met him.

My final miracle (that I’ve noticed) was the amazing people I met at camp. They saved me too. I was at the lower parts of my life when bam. An amazing cabin of girls who picked me up off the ground. Normally a cabin has eight girls, and I don’t usually get along with girls at all. Our cabin had eleven, and I love every single one of them. They came into my life and they’re there to stay. If I ever need something I can call one of them for help. They’ll always be there, and I couldn’t be more thankful. They showed me I can get along with girls, and they showed me that I don’t need boys to be happy.

So even if you think it’s stupid, I do believe in miracles. What are the chances of these things happening at the perfect time?