The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.


I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.


I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.


I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.


So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.


So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.


But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.


I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.


In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.


Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside


When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

My Own Words

“Never run back to what broke you.” (Bigballofwibblywobbly)

171,090 notes. They’re my own words. At least 85,545 people agree with me. (Unless of course someone is obsessively reblogging it.) Those are my very own words. Yet why can’t I follow them?

I can’t stay away from the thing, the very person, who broke me. He hurt me. He broke me. He shattered me. Yet I run back to him. Every time I run back.

I ran back again, and he used me. He tried to destroy me. He tried to get my college campus to believe that I was a slut who threw myself at him. I didn’t. Pictures of me, sent to him because he was badgering me, are being passed around. Everyone knows and many have seen. So I’m done.

I will listen to my own words, and never, ever, run back to what broke me. Him. 


This is Why I Need Feminism

I was 5: and I had a tendency to sit with my legs spread wide because it was comfortable. My grandma told my mom that “she’d better teach me not to do that by the time I was older because it sent out a message to people.”


I was 7: and I was the only girl on my soccer team. It didn’t matter how good I was. The boys still laughed and told me I was stupid. They told me girls weren’t fit for sports.


I was 8: and four boys cornered me during my brother’s soccer game. Two of them held my arms while the other two pulled my hair and tried groping my chest even though nothing was there yet. They poured red kool-aid all over me when I bit one of the boys. None of the passerbys even spared me a glance.


I was 10: and my guy friends made fun of me being in ballet. It was then that I was convinced that being “girly” was a bad thing. So it was then that I quit and gave up anything that made me seem like a “girly-girl.”


I was 11: and the boys on my soccer team made jokes about me because I was a girl even though I’d been on the team for four years. It was then that they told me that because I was ugly I would never amount to anything.


I was 12: and an older boy made several crude comments about my carpets matched the drapes. I was also 12 when a boy on my brother’s football team began to stalk me. He knew we didn’t lock our doors a night and the color of my wallpaper. I was 12 when he started telling everyone the nasty things he wanted to do to me. The other boys joined in too.


I was 13: and a boy began to manipulate me to get answers out of me that I didn’t want to tell him. He had me convinced that boys were superior to girls. He didn’t understand no.


It was July 2011: and the same boy had me competing for his attention. He told me the other girl was “winning” because she let him feel her up. I wouldn’t put out so I “lost.”


It was August 2011: and I told him I wasn’t going to do anything other than kiss or hold hands. He freaked out and told me that he deserved to have more after all he had done for me. It was August when I left.


I was 14: and the same boy talked about what a teasing prude I was. The whole town made jokes about me. Boys called me scum for not putting out.


It was November 2011: and that boy came back, all friendly and manipulative. Soon he had me believing that he left me and he had come back to give me a second chance. He got me to starts sexting him to “repay him for his grace.”


It was December 2011: and I tried to stop because things were going too far. He was mad any day that I couldn’t “help him out.” He told me he would leave me if I did. He had me convinced that because I was a girl I was awful and didn’t have a choice.


It was April 1st, 2012: and he shoved his hands in my shirt before he even kissed me. My first kiss wasn’t as great as I thought. He drove me home that night. He parked on the side of the road and wouldn’t go again until I let him take off my shirt.


It was April 10th, 2012: and he cornered me and kept pushing for more. That night he convinced me to ask him out. He wouldn’t ask me because he thought he deserved to be the one asked for all he had done for me.


It was June 2012: and he left me because I wasn’t giving him enough. He still wanted me to sext him though, because that was the only way he would ever like me again.


I was 15: and he came back. Saying I could have a second chance for being such a good girl, but now I wasn’t allowed to hug anyone but him. I couldn’t talk to any boys but him. Because I was a girl, I was dirty and couldn’t be trusted.


It was November 2012: and he told me he didn’t love me anymore, so he broke up with me again. He said might be able to get his feelings though if I kept doing stuff with him. Then he told me he would leave me if I said no when he asked for sex. One day he asked. He blamed me when he felt guilty about it.


It was New Year’s Eve 2012: and I was cornered by an extremely drunk man at a ski area. He pressed himself against me. Nothing happened. I shoved him away and walked home, but the boy still said I was asking for it. I was wearing ski pants and multiple layers of clothing and a big winter coat. Still, it was my fault. The boy left for good.

I am 16: and this past year and a half I’ve been through another ex-boyfriend using me for my body. I’ve been through people calling me a slut and whore because I’ve slept with someone. I have people chasing after me for sex, and not for my personality. I’ve been pushed around because I’m a girl. I’m 16, and now, my ex-boyfriend’s younger brother, a good friend of mine, started asking me for sex. He wouldn’t listen to no. He told me to stop being so uptight and began begging. The fact that his dog understands no, in English and in sign language, and still understands it better than he does is disturbing. 16 years, and too much has happened to me because of my gender.

The fact that I thought this was “normal” until now sickens me. How far has our society sunk? I haven’t been through terrible things, but this still isn’t okay. This is why I need feminism.



Yes, all women have been demeaned by men.

Yes, all women have been harassed.

Yes, all women are disgusted by Elliot Rodgers, a topic which I already wrote about in a recent post.

What is #YesAllWomen? It’s a hashtag that started awhile ago in response to Male Rights Activist’s complaints of things such as “friend-zoning.” However, this hashtag didn’t start trending until about two nights ago.

Since then there has been a massive surge of both women and men speaking up for Women’s Rights. There’s thousands upon thousands of tweets of women and men who are absolutely horrified at the way women are treated. I’d like to say right now, that it is not all men who do this, but it is all women who receive.

Why Do We Need #YesAllWomen?

Weight Room

CapturesputnikBojYLo6IUAAdy34JigsawFacebookJoke(I believe he’s suggesting it’s okay to joke about people being killed because they wouldn’t put out…Not okay.)

#YesAllWomen is the TOP Trend on Twitter Right Now


#YesAllWomen is important, and no, it’s #NotAllMen but that’s not what these tweets are saying. If you’re one of the males who whine about your own hurt feelings instead of the horrors many of these women have gone through, please go reevaluate your life. Feminism isn’t bashing men. Feminism is getting women on equal ground as men. Many of these women are getting harassed for simply putting their stories out there.

Not all men, but far too many.

I need #YesAllWomen because my first boyfriend told me that if I didn’t sleep with him, I was going to be alone, pathetic, and useless.

I need #YesAllWomen because I’m afraid to walk home alone at night.

I need #YesAllWomen because there’s a teacher at my school who makes the girls with big breasts sit up front.

I need #YesAllWomen because people laughed when I told them I was going on a two week camping trip.

I need #YesAllWomen because almost all of my guy friends have either asked me for sex or pictures.

I need #YesAllWomen because I lost several friends because they got angry when I said no.

I need #YesAllWomen because girls around me are raped and abused.

I need #YesAllWomen because we are told that “boys will be boys.”

The world needs feminism because everyone should be equal. The world needs feminism because rape has been renamed “non-consensual sex” so it sounds better. The world needs feminism because people are being told that acting like a girl is bad. The world needs feminism because misogyny hinders both men and women’s actions.

Men aren’t allowed to cry. Men have to play sports. Men can’t do theatre. Men can’t opt to be stay-at-home fathers. Men can’t wear makeup, carry purses or treat themselves to spa days. Men are restricted from doing certain activities on the basis of their gender just as females are.  (Boys Need Feminism, Too)



Please, Don’t Tell Me Misogyny Doesn’t Exist

I’m sure many of you have heard about Elliot Rodger’s shooting spree. If you haven’t, I would encourage you to look up the story. I heard about it on tumblr from two posts. First post. Second post. Feminism and anti-slut shaming are a constant topic in my blog, and that’s what this post will be about too.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist. 

I’m serious, don’t ever tell me it doesn’t exist or that there is no need for feminism. If you opened the link to the first post, you’ll see a collection of comments that were made on Rodger’s youtube video, which publicly proclaimed that he was going to “slaughter every single spoiled, stuck-up, blonde slut I see.” I’d advise watching this video with discretion. These comments are absolutely horrifying. Many of them are agreeing with Elliot, some are even calling his victims scum. Another said that he was helping spread God’s wrath on the sinners. Uh, one second. So because a girl doesn’t want to sleep with you, she’s a sinner? And..killing people is okay? Although quite a few said that Roder’s was a psycho and was completely off-his-rocker, the fact that anyone agreed with him is absolutely terrifying.

Elliot Rodger shot and killed six people, shot and injured seven others, run over four more and left a 13th with unspecified injuries Friday night as he stalked the streets of Isla Vista. (NBC) Why did he do this? Ultimately, because he was a virgin. He did this because in his mind he deserved to have sex. He was angry at girls for rejecting him, “the supreme gentleman” as he liked to call himself. So what did he do? He punished them in the worst way possible. He also said in his youtube video that he was the “alpha male.”

Hold up, so girls are required to have sex with a guy if they want it? Sorry, but we have free will over our bodies. You can’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist when things like this happen. You can’t tell me feminism isn’t needed when still a lot of people blame the girls for this. I’ve seen people saying that the girls should have just put out for Rodger. So now you’re telling me that if I don’t put out, some guy will have an excuse to kill me? Sorry, but that’s complete and absolute rubbish.

I should not be afraid for my life because I reject unwanted sexual advances. Nor should I be put down for either accepting or rejecting them. It’s my body, my choice, and my right.

A couple of years ago I was a prude because I hadn’t kissed a boy. I was being called this from ages 12-14. Can you imagine that? A girl being put down by boys for not kissing anyone, and only being twelve years old? When I got my first boyfriend it was drilled into my brain that without my body, I would be nothing. So over and over I let a boy use me for my body because I believed that was the only way to keep him. I was stupid, and never should have believed it, but there are many boys who do act like this and no one sees a problem with it.

Later on I was then made fun of and called a slut because I slept with that boy. No one asked for my side of the story. No one cared that the only reason I slept with him was because he basically said he would leave me if I said no. I was stupid.

But how was I to know any better? My whole life I had been told that being a virgin was a bad thing. Then as soon as I wasn’t a virgin, I was laughed at and called a slut by the same people.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist. 

Don’t do it. Because when I can’t make a choice without fearing for my life, or having to worry about people running their mouths about me, misogyny definitely exists. Please, don’t say feminism isn’t needed when people compare boys and girls having sex to a lock and key. You know the one, where if a lock can be used with any key it’s crappy, but if a key opens any lock then it’s awesome. Yeah. That. I heard that when I was a little girl. So from a young age I was being told that boys have more of a choice over their bodies than girls do.

A couple of years ago, I had it so drilled into my brain that anything “girly” was bad. It was so drilled into my brain that I quit wearing dresses, I forced myself to hate the colors pink and purple, and I even quit dancing even though I loved it. I wanted nothing to do with being girly because everyone around me acted like it was bad. Liking flowers and dresses isn’t bad. There’s nothing wrong with it. Not liking flowers or dresses isn’t bad either.

What is bad? Is when someone changes their preferences for society. It’s bad when it’s drilled into everyone’s brains to make sexist jokes and to deep down believe that the male gender is better.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist.


I Just Don’t…Anything Anymore

I don’t feel. I don’t think. I just…Sit here. I’m numb again, and I don’t know why.

It’s like the colors in my life have been dulled down. Gone are the vibrant beautiful colors of spring. Gone are the vibrant blue shades of my wall. Everything I see feels to be gray. Everything is dull.

I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to be on my laptop. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to sit still. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to be hungry. Heck, I don’t even want to be writing this.

I have no clue what’s wrong, but I’m shutting off. I’m desperately trying to force myself into normalcy, but I don’t think I can. I don’t even know what I want to do. I’m not driven. I’m not craving anything. I have no motivation.

I just don’t…anything anymore.



famous little Cinder
Everyone knows her
everyone knows the story

Except they don’t
because she didn’t get her happy ending
Her prince didn’t find her after midnight
but who would want to hear about that

Snow White
beautiful little Snow
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she didn’t get her prince
He never came to save her
but who would want to hear about that

Sleeping Beauty
dreamlike Aurora
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she wasn’t woken by a kiss
The man wanted too much
but who would want to hear about that

The Little Mermaid
curious little Ariel
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she got her legs
She couldn’t get her prince anyways
but who would want to hear about that

precious little Belle
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because the beast was cruel
He wasn’t a prince in disguise
but who would want to hear about that

fair princess of Agrabah
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because there was no magic carpet ride
Just an arranged marriage to a boring man
but who would want to hear about that

adventurous daughter of the chief
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because John couldn’t see her as a person
She was only another savage to him
but who would want to hear about that

daring savior of China
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because rules were rules
Women weren’t allowed to shame the army like that
but who would want to hear about that

The Frog Princess
hardworking little Tiana
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because there’s no magic
Which means no marriage to Naveen
but who would want to hear about that

beautiful little flower
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she was stolen
She was never found
but who would want to hear about that

brave little red head
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she had to chose one of the suitors
In those times she wasn’t allowed to be on her own
but who would want to hear about that

reckless little sister
Everyone knows her
everyone knows her story

Except they don’t
because she couldn’t be unfrozen
No matter how much love there was in the world
but who would want to hear about that…