The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.


I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.


I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.


I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.


So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.


So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.


But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.


I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.


In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.


Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside


When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

These Lies I Believe and the Swords I Pierce Them With

My head and heart of full of them. Full of lies and disgustingly false things. Lies. 

You’re ugly

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14

You’ll end up alone

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139:7-10

No one loves you

“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 5:19

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love youI will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.” Isaiah 43:4

You’re a failure

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

You can’t do anything

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

You’re pathetic

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

God has abandoned you

“God has said: Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

You’ve sinned so many times, this one thing won’t matter

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does.” James 1:22-25

“What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?” James 2:14

Your body is worthless

“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7

God isn’t with you

“Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.” Isaiah 58:9

That little mistake has destroyed everything

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” Isaiah 1:18

You will never be good enough

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Your fear will overcome you

“So we say in confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” Philippians 4:8


Who Loves Me

I never deserved the hell you put me through.

I know I didn’t. I know that now, so no more. No more of letting you push me around. You had me believing you would be the only one who would love me. No more, because you know who loves me? Me. That’s who. Me, myself, and I. I love myself, so it doesn’t matter if anyone else does.


My Own Words

“Never run back to what broke you.” (Bigballofwibblywobbly)

171,090 notes. They’re my own words. At least 85,545 people agree with me. (Unless of course someone is obsessively reblogging it.) Those are my very own words. Yet why can’t I follow them?

I can’t stay away from the thing, the very person, who broke me. He hurt me. He broke me. He shattered me. Yet I run back to him. Every time I run back.

I ran back again, and he used me. He tried to destroy me. He tried to get my college campus to believe that I was a slut who threw myself at him. I didn’t. Pictures of me, sent to him because he was badgering me, are being passed around. Everyone knows and many have seen. So I’m done.

I will listen to my own words, and never, ever, run back to what broke me. Him. 


Sometimes I Hate Being Right

Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.

You and I fought all the time about whether or not I knew you. I did. You admitted it last night too. This whole time, all the times you’ve been angry and annoyed at me, at least lately, is because you’re upset with yourself. You’re upset with yourself because you still feel something for me and you shouldn’t. You told me last night. This is what I’ve been thinking for awhile

I hate that I’m right. I don’t want you to have any feelings for me, because I have an extremely large amount of feelings left for you. You feeling anything towards me gives me hope. I don’t want hope. I want to be over you.

I’m not though. I’m not over you. I still get excited when you text me. I still miss you and think about you. Whenever someone asks who I like the first person to pop into my head is you… Not Josh. You’re jealous of him too. I hate that you’re jealous. I don’t want you upset at all. If you asked me to stop with him I would. It makes me terrible.

I would though. You know I would. You know I care about you and how I feel about you. You like me but don’t want to date me…

Oddly enough we’re actually happy this time though, which is weird. We’re getting along and making up odd nicknames for each other. This is weird. I like it though. I think. I just don’t want you unhappy.

You told me you wouldn’t leave this time. I’m trusting you again.


You Are

You are the memory that I’ll keep
the secret in my sleep.
You are the music that I dream
the loudest I’ll ever scream
You are my quietest plea
the only one I see
You are the raindrops on my face
the thought I can’t quite place
You are the sun on my toes
the wonder when it snows
You are the name I can’t forget
the one I won’t regret
You are the whisper on my lips
the awe of the sun’s eclipse
You are the gentleness of a breeze
the reason I’m at ease
You are the stars at night
the reason my heart takes flight
You are the sweet change of season
the most delicious reason
You are the joy on Christmas morning
the reason my brain is storming
You are the peace of the dark
the most electrifying spark
You are the heat of a warm summers day
the only reason that I stay
You are the sparkle in my eye
the beauty of a blue bird sky
You are a fire burning bright
the soft glowing light
You are the thrill of a surprise
the most desired prize
You are sugar on my tongue
the song yet to be sung
You are the feeling I hold close to my chest
the one I hold above the rest
You are a warm embrace
the one I won’t erase
You are the fire in my veins
the cure for all my pains
You are the comfort of home
the reason I’m not alone
You are the blissful silence
the most addicting presence


So Why Is It Me?

I see you in the halls giving me the look. What have I ever done to you?

You’re spreading rumors about me again. How come I have so much on you but I’ve never told anyone?

I know things. You begged him for sex and he said no. You’ve been with a new guy every other week.

So why me? Why am I the whore. I slept with one guy. I made a mistake. I regret it. He manipulated me. Yes it was my choice in the end. Once I did it though? I cried myself to sleep for weeks.

So why do you get to tell people what I’ve done. Why me? Why am I the whore.

Can’t you just let me be?