You didn’t choose me.
I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?
You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.
Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.
But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.
I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.
You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.
Only physical force saved me – my physical force.
Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.
I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.
But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.
I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.
I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.
I justified what you did to me and to them.
Over and over I justified the things you did.
But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.
And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.
So one day my mind was crystal clear.
And I made my choice in that clarity.
Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.
A long night in the police station after hours.
So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.
The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.
I told the police but I didn’t want charges.
I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.
But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.
Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.
I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.
I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.
I told and the monster came out in our home.
Bile rising up – tears pouring out.
I spoke those words you begged me not to.
The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.
In the end even you – even you admitted it.
No punishments happened to you, not a single one.
And I was the one who received the backlash.
Maybe that was the truth of the monster.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
– Imagine Dragons
So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.
Today burnt popcorn reminded me of you, but it wasn’t the popcorn that left a bitter taste in my mouth. It was the memory of you and what you did to me.
People tell me that sexist men are the extreme and the minority. Yet why has almost every man I’ve met been sexist, including my family?
- Agápe – love: brotherly love; unconditional love; good will; loving without wanting anything in return.
- Éros – love involving sexual passion: relationships; dating or marriage; appreciation of beauty.
- Philía – love of affection: friendship; loyalty; equality; between two equals.
- Storgē – Love, affection: especially between parents and children; natural empathy; acceptance.
Why do any of these matter? Well this summer I’m working at a camp where we have “AGAPE” campers. AGAPE campers are people with disabilities – any kind of disability. For example, some have down syndrome, they’re deaf, they’re paralyzed, some have intellectual disabilities, and this list can go on and on. Many of them can’t do a single thing for us. This is why we call them AGAPE campers – because we don’t love them because of how they love us or anything, we love them simply because they are.
This week I had J, an AGAPE camper with moderate intellectual disabilities, Taybi Syndrome, and Cerebral Palsy. Last time I mentioned how I was absolutely terrified about having her as a camper. I had no idea how she would act or what I would have to do.
However, by Tuesday I realized how absolutely stupid I was to be terrified of having her as a camper. J was super sweet. Every couple of minutes she would call me fabulous or cute. It was great because originally when she called me fabulous, it sounded more like she was saying “you’re very blessed.” J had the world’s sweetest heart.
My only problem I had at all with J? She apologized for everything. It made me wonder what was said and done to her throughout her life to make her act like that. It’s like she expects me to be mad at her. I hope with all my heart she was not yelled at or abused. I’ve heard horror stories about disabled people being abused or incorrectly treated.
J couldn’t do a thing for me except be. But I love her with all my heart. Maybe this is what true love is. Agápe.
My head and heart of full of them. Full of lies and disgustingly false things. Lies.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14
You’ll end up alone
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139:7-10
No one loves you
“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 5:19
“Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.” Isaiah 43:4
You’re a failure
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
You can’t do anything
“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10
God has abandoned you
“God has said: Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
You’ve sinned so many times, this one thing won’t matter
“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does.” James 1:22-25
“What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?” James 2:14
Your body is worthless
“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7
God isn’t with you
“Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.” Isaiah 58:9
That little mistake has destroyed everything
“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” Isaiah 1:18
You will never be good enough
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
Your fear will overcome you
“So we say in confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6
“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
My reason for living wasn’t because I didn’t want to let my friends and family down. Although I didn’t want to, that wasn’t enough for me. What kept me alive was the people telling me to end my life. I burned with a passion. My fury raged within me. I would never give them the satisfaction of ending my life. I’m going to grow. I’m going to be so much better than they ever were.
My anger kept me alive until another day when I could be happy again.
I wish I could go back. Back before everything got so messed up. I wish this hadn’t had happened. I miss being innocent and seeing you as so too. I liked thinking you were a good guy.
I want to go back. But we can’t.