The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.

 

I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.

 

I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.

 

I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.

 

So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.

 

So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.

 

But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.

 

I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.

 

In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.

Bethany

Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside

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When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

115,200 Deaths Hoax

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This is extremely misleading and it saddens me that the original poster was so misinformed or had the intent to purposefully twist the numbers and day.
 
Nov. 13th, Paris – 129
Nov. 13th, Japan – Does not seem to have any casualties.
Nov. 12th, Beirut – 43
Nov. 13th, Baghdad – 26
Oct. 23rd, Mexico – 6 (I’m not 100% sure on what this post is trying to refer to with Mexico so I did some digging.)
 
The last hashtag is a completely different matter. Lebanon is the country of which Beirut is the capital of. So yes we should pray for Lebanon, but it almost seems like the original poster was trying to make more incidents than there were?
 
Anyways these numbers do not equal anywhere close to 115,200. I feel like it’s a sad thing when numbers get twisted and messed with because it belittles the mourning that have truthfully been taken.
That being said, warn your friends who have been sharing this around. This is why fact checking is important.
Bethany

A Letter to Justin: The Man Who Was My Friend When Convenient

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To Justin,

I can no longer say “dear” although once upon a time I would have.

Once we were close and I was there for you whenever you needed me. Now though, thinks have been rocky between us. You asked me if we were good…

No, I don’t think I’m okay with being friends with you. You’ve said a lot of hurtful things, and I don’t believe you stayed neutral during all of this. If you did, you wouldn’t have defended Carson or encouraged him to get away. You didn’t really take the chance to see it from my side.

You also really hurt me by basically calling me psycho. I’m not, because if you put yourself in my shoes, you’d understand why I did it. Yeah, you may not understand it, but I was actually rational during that. He shouldn’t have run away with no explanation, and to me that was standing up for myself. Standing up for myself when he sexually assaulted me.
You also hate being called violent, or out of control. If someone is hurting you or your friends, you put a stop to it somehow, and if they continued, you have threatened them. Because of this, I very much so don’t believe you have any right to act like what I did was crazy. That’s putting a double standard on it.
My life experiences are different than yours so you may not understand, but that doesn’t give you the right to say I’m crazy or act like I was out of line. I truly don’t believe I was, because I didn’t do that out of the blue, it was after days of trying to get an explanation from him. It didn’t hurt him to give me 30 seconds – 1 minute to talk to me…But it did hurt me to be left in the dust. It hurt me to be left when I was letting it go that he assaulted me.
I don’t think I’m okay with being friends with you, because you’ve placed so many double standards. You always promised to be here, but any time I brought up feminism, you got strange. You promised to be my friend, but rarely were you there for me, only I for you. You didn’t care when he assaulted me.
Any time I really needed a friend, you weren’t there. Only when it was easy for you.
I’m almost sorry; only for what could have been, not because I’m leaving.
Bethany

These Lies I Believe and the Swords I Pierce Them With

My head and heart of full of them. Full of lies and disgustingly false things. Lies. 

You’re ugly

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14

You’ll end up alone

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139:7-10

No one loves you

“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 5:19

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love youI will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.” Isaiah 43:4

You’re a failure

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

You can’t do anything

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

You’re pathetic

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

God has abandoned you

“God has said: Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

You’ve sinned so many times, this one thing won’t matter

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does.” James 1:22-25

“What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?” James 2:14

Your body is worthless

“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7

God isn’t with you

“Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.” Isaiah 58:9

That little mistake has destroyed everything

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” Isaiah 1:18

You will never be good enough

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Your fear will overcome you

“So we say in confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

Bethany

Why Be Day When You Could Be the Night?

Why Be Day When You Could Be The Night?

Why be day?
When you could be the night.
Next to the dark allure
the golden glow is nothing.
Dark velvet you could almost feel
calling your name
mysterious whispers beckoning you.
Beckoning you to the diamond-littered place above.
When the monsters come out
and the average hide
a place for the bold
Why be day?
When you could be the night.

Bethany