Hello God, Is It Me, Bethany?

Hello God, yeah, I’d like to know, is this me? Is it the medication? 

Am I just tired? That’d be nice to know. God?

Today was awful. I don’t know why. I just wanted to slam everything and throw everything and because I was feeling this way – everything got messed up which only made my mood worse.

On top of that, I have to go in to work tomorrow and I’m super stressed because I need to get my school work done. I’m a full time student with a full time job (which I don’t need to have, my parent’s just want me to help them out.) I told them that school work comes first and they do not care. All the money goes straight to me and I already have enough saved to pay them back the total amount bit by bit. They pay me the same amount and at the same time as any other employee, so there’s really not much reason for them to need me this badly… they even have someone coming in to work tomorrow.

But no. They want me to work. Full time. While I’m a full time student. Which drives me crazy because I have things to do. I have so much to do. I’m stressed I’m going to fail these classes.

I know I’m overreacting, but I can’t help my mood. Am I tired? Am I just in a bad mood? Am I a brat? Am I doing this because of the new medication?

On that note, for some reason I felt skinny and less bloated today – It’s probably absolutely nothing to do with my medication, but it was a nice feeling for once.

Bethany

The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.

 

I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.

 

I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.

 

I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.

 

So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.

 

So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.

 

But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.

 

I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.

 

In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.

Bethany

Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside

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When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

College, Yik Yak and Twitter

I’m so done with my college. So so done. To start it all of some people at my college started Twitter accounts to post “gossip” (but basically it was all slander and just plain lies.) They accused someone of rape (or it sounds like they accused the accuser of accusing of rape.) Which these girls came forward and said they never accused him of rape (they’re like best friends so why would they lie? And why would they publicly defend him if it was true?)

Then the person running the account posting screenshots of who had been sending them “tips” (information? Gossip? I dunno it seemed like gossip girl to me.)

And wowwie. A friend of mine send it something awful about my roommate and her guy friend, and something horrible about me. Neither of which were TRUE but they had some truth to them..

So basically now everyone knows  some guy tried to get me to kill myself for months…so now I feel like I’m going to viewed like a crazy person.

Oh and the best part of it all? Apparently people think it’s me who started these pages. Like the the heck. It’s going around that it was me? I’m pretty sure the person who hates me on yik yak started it and now it’s gotten out of control. Like do people not realize what these rumors can do to people? Even baseless accusations can ruin my standing at this college… I’m sick of people talking badly about me. I’m sick of rumors I can’t do anything to stop.

Gotta love college..Right.

Bethany