The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.

 

I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.

 

I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.

 

I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.

 

So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.

 

So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.

 

But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.

 

I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.

 

In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.

Bethany

Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside

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When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

These Lies I Believe and the Swords I Pierce Them With

My head and heart of full of them. Full of lies and disgustingly false things. Lies. 

You’re ugly

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14

You’ll end up alone

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139:7-10

No one loves you

“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 5:19

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love youI will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.” Isaiah 43:4

You’re a failure

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

You can’t do anything

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

You’re pathetic

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

God has abandoned you

“God has said: Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

You’ve sinned so many times, this one thing won’t matter

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does.” James 1:22-25

“What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?” James 2:14

Your body is worthless

“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7

God isn’t with you

“Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.” Isaiah 58:9

That little mistake has destroyed everything

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” Isaiah 1:18

You will never be good enough

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Your fear will overcome you

“So we say in confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

Bethany

Broken Girl

Today I stumbled upon an old post on an old blog that I had made. It included this video and these words.

Have you ever heard a song that gave you the chills? Or just made you think? Well for me, this song did both. It really is an amazing song, one of my favorites actually. This is for any girl who’s been abused, raped, or just hurt or broken. Remember, you are beautiful no matter what :)

I turned on the video, and I broke. I broke down crying in front of my little brother. I wasn’t even able to make it to my room. I am that girl now. I am that broken girl. So many times over have I been broken. I am not even remotely innocent. Why? Why am I so messed up and broken? Can I really make it go away? I give up. I’m not strong enough. So God, I need YOU to be strong enough for me… I know you are.

“Broken Girl”

Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like “innocence”
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl
And put her back together again

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
You don’t have to stay the broken girl

Bethany

My Own Words

“Never run back to what broke you.” (Bigballofwibblywobbly)

171,090 notes. They’re my own words. At least 85,545 people agree with me. (Unless of course someone is obsessively reblogging it.) Those are my very own words. Yet why can’t I follow them?

I can’t stay away from the thing, the very person, who broke me. He hurt me. He broke me. He shattered me. Yet I run back to him. Every time I run back.

I ran back again, and he used me. He tried to destroy me. He tried to get my college campus to believe that I was a slut who threw myself at him. I didn’t. Pictures of me, sent to him because he was badgering me, are being passed around. Everyone knows and many have seen. So I’m done.

I will listen to my own words, and never, ever, run back to what broke me. Him. 

Bethany

This is Why I Need Feminism

I was 5: and I had a tendency to sit with my legs spread wide because it was comfortable. My grandma told my mom that “she’d better teach me not to do that by the time I was older because it sent out a message to people.”

 

I was 7: and I was the only girl on my soccer team. It didn’t matter how good I was. The boys still laughed and told me I was stupid. They told me girls weren’t fit for sports.

 

I was 8: and four boys cornered me during my brother’s soccer game. Two of them held my arms while the other two pulled my hair and tried groping my chest even though nothing was there yet. They poured red kool-aid all over me when I bit one of the boys. None of the passerbys even spared me a glance.

 

I was 10: and my guy friends made fun of me being in ballet. It was then that I was convinced that being “girly” was a bad thing. So it was then that I quit and gave up anything that made me seem like a “girly-girl.”

 

I was 11: and the boys on my soccer team made jokes about me because I was a girl even though I’d been on the team for four years. It was then that they told me that because I was ugly I would never amount to anything.

 

I was 12: and an older boy made several crude comments about my carpets matched the drapes. I was also 12 when a boy on my brother’s football team began to stalk me. He knew we didn’t lock our doors a night and the color of my wallpaper. I was 12 when he started telling everyone the nasty things he wanted to do to me. The other boys joined in too.

 

I was 13: and a boy began to manipulate me to get answers out of me that I didn’t want to tell him. He had me convinced that boys were superior to girls. He didn’t understand no.

 

It was July 2011: and the same boy had me competing for his attention. He told me the other girl was “winning” because she let him feel her up. I wouldn’t put out so I “lost.”

 

It was August 2011: and I told him I wasn’t going to do anything other than kiss or hold hands. He freaked out and told me that he deserved to have more after all he had done for me. It was August when I left.

 

I was 14: and the same boy talked about what a teasing prude I was. The whole town made jokes about me. Boys called me scum for not putting out.

 

It was November 2011: and that boy came back, all friendly and manipulative. Soon he had me believing that he left me and he had come back to give me a second chance. He got me to starts sexting him to “repay him for his grace.”

 

It was December 2011: and I tried to stop because things were going too far. He was mad any day that I couldn’t “help him out.” He told me he would leave me if I did. He had me convinced that because I was a girl I was awful and didn’t have a choice.

 

It was April 1st, 2012: and he shoved his hands in my shirt before he even kissed me. My first kiss wasn’t as great as I thought. He drove me home that night. He parked on the side of the road and wouldn’t go again until I let him take off my shirt.

 

It was April 10th, 2012: and he cornered me and kept pushing for more. That night he convinced me to ask him out. He wouldn’t ask me because he thought he deserved to be the one asked for all he had done for me.

 

It was June 2012: and he left me because I wasn’t giving him enough. He still wanted me to sext him though, because that was the only way he would ever like me again.

 

I was 15: and he came back. Saying I could have a second chance for being such a good girl, but now I wasn’t allowed to hug anyone but him. I couldn’t talk to any boys but him. Because I was a girl, I was dirty and couldn’t be trusted.

 

It was November 2012: and he told me he didn’t love me anymore, so he broke up with me again. He said might be able to get his feelings though if I kept doing stuff with him. Then he told me he would leave me if I said no when he asked for sex. One day he asked. He blamed me when he felt guilty about it.

 

It was New Year’s Eve 2012: and I was cornered by an extremely drunk man at a ski area. He pressed himself against me. Nothing happened. I shoved him away and walked home, but the boy still said I was asking for it. I was wearing ski pants and multiple layers of clothing and a big winter coat. Still, it was my fault. The boy left for good.

I am 16: and this past year and a half I’ve been through another ex-boyfriend using me for my body. I’ve been through people calling me a slut and whore because I’ve slept with someone. I have people chasing after me for sex, and not for my personality. I’ve been pushed around because I’m a girl. I’m 16, and now, my ex-boyfriend’s younger brother, a good friend of mine, started asking me for sex. He wouldn’t listen to no. He told me to stop being so uptight and began begging. The fact that his dog understands no, in English and in sign language, and still understands it better than he does is disturbing. 16 years, and too much has happened to me because of my gender.

The fact that I thought this was “normal” until now sickens me. How far has our society sunk? I haven’t been through terrible things, but this still isn’t okay. This is why I need feminism.

Bethany

#YesAllWomen

Yes, all women have been demeaned by men.

Yes, all women have been harassed.

Yes, all women are disgusted by Elliot Rodgers, a topic which I already wrote about in a recent post.

What is #YesAllWomen? It’s a hashtag that started awhile ago in response to Male Rights Activist’s complaints of things such as “friend-zoning.” However, this hashtag didn’t start trending until about two nights ago.

Since then there has been a massive surge of both women and men speaking up for Women’s Rights. There’s thousands upon thousands of tweets of women and men who are absolutely horrified at the way women are treated. I’d like to say right now, that it is not all men who do this, but it is all women who receive.

Why Do We Need #YesAllWomen?

Weight Room

CapturesputnikBojYLo6IUAAdy34JigsawFacebookJoke(I believe he’s suggesting it’s okay to joke about people being killed because they wouldn’t put out…Not okay.)

#YesAllWomen is the TOP Trend on Twitter Right Now

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#YesAllWomen is important, and no, it’s #NotAllMen but that’s not what these tweets are saying. If you’re one of the males who whine about your own hurt feelings instead of the horrors many of these women have gone through, please go reevaluate your life. Feminism isn’t bashing men. Feminism is getting women on equal ground as men. Many of these women are getting harassed for simply putting their stories out there.

Not all men, but far too many.

I need #YesAllWomen because my first boyfriend told me that if I didn’t sleep with him, I was going to be alone, pathetic, and useless.

I need #YesAllWomen because I’m afraid to walk home alone at night.

I need #YesAllWomen because there’s a teacher at my school who makes the girls with big breasts sit up front.

I need #YesAllWomen because people laughed when I told them I was going on a two week camping trip.

I need #YesAllWomen because almost all of my guy friends have either asked me for sex or pictures.

I need #YesAllWomen because I lost several friends because they got angry when I said no.

I need #YesAllWomen because girls around me are raped and abused.

I need #YesAllWomen because we are told that “boys will be boys.”

The world needs feminism because everyone should be equal. The world needs feminism because rape has been renamed “non-consensual sex” so it sounds better. The world needs feminism because people are being told that acting like a girl is bad. The world needs feminism because misogyny hinders both men and women’s actions.

Men aren’t allowed to cry. Men have to play sports. Men can’t do theatre. Men can’t opt to be stay-at-home fathers. Men can’t wear makeup, carry purses or treat themselves to spa days. Men are restricted from doing certain activities on the basis of their gender just as females are.  (Boys Need Feminism, Too)

#YesAllWomen

Bethany

What Does Modesty Mean?

What does modesty really mean. 

To a lot of people, especially, to Christians, it means wearing clothes that don’t show off their body. I’m not here to bash Christianity, I’m a Christian myself. I am here to bash the sexism that the phrase “modest is hottest” implies.

For a couple years I spent a lot of my time on a website called Project Inspired, which is honestly a terrific concept. Project Inspired is basically a site for (mainly) young Christian girls to talk, ask questions, and encourage each other in a godly way. However, I ended up leaving the site because it was just too much. They had an article that would either come out weekly or bi-weekly, I don’t remember. This article was “Modest is Hottest! We Give One Star a Makeover!”

Now, if the only intent of these articles was to provide modest clothing, that would be fine. Honestly I would have liked that. Instead these articles became a way to judge stars on their clothing choices. There was one time I remember that an article came out, and a lot of bashing went onto the star directly, not just her “immodest” clothing.

“When I first saw the ‘Modest Is Hottest’ article, I was quite pleased that Ms. Gaouette was showing young women that it’s okay to dress modestly, that they didn’t have to go with the crowd. By showing PI users pictures of celebrities dressing modestly, you were showing that following your convictions about appropriate dress didn’t make you a loser. I’m all about challenging social norms! However, when I got to the ‘Modest Makeover,’ I felt like the entire purpose of the articles had been turned on its head. First, we were being taught not to be ashamed of our manner of dress, and then we were being told that we SHOULD be ashamed if we dress in a certain way. I felt (and still feel) like this was just creating another ‘crowd’ to be followed, and that’s not right.” (Eurydice)

This Eurydice was one of the girls on the Project Inspired site. Let me tell you, she is fantastic, and I may not always agree with her ways, but I definitely agreed with her in her plight to get the Modest is Hottest section removed or reformed. This is what part of her email that she sent to the writers said. I myself wrote a letter to them, although I don’t actually remember what I said. I do know that my email was never replied to.

An article that she directed me to was “If You Don’t Want Girls Judged by Their Hemlines, Stop Judging Them by Their Hemlines.” This headline stood out to me particularly. One thing in the article that really stood out to me was this quote:

“Telling women to cover it up is just as surely a form of sexual objectification as telling women to take it off. Either way, you’re reducing a woman to her sexuality instead of considering her as a whole person.” (“If You Don’t Want Girls Judged by Their Hemlines, Stop Judging Them by Their Hemlines.”)

A woman is not just how she dresses. She is not defined as how long her skirt is, or how low her shirt is. It doesn’t matter if you can see cleavage, shoulders, or butt. It doesn’t matter. That is not what she is defined as. Wearing those clothes do not, and I repeat, do not, make her a slut. A lot of girls are bashed for their clothing and sex choices. The problem is that no matter what choices a girl makes, she will get bashed. If she wears clothes that are too long or cover up, she’s a prude. If she doesn’t have sex with anyone, she’s still a prude. Now, if she wears more revealing clothes, she’s a slut or a whore. If she’s even slept with one guy, she can still be called a slut. How exactly is this fair?

To me, I don’t see modesty as covering myself up. I see modesty as to why I’m wearing the clothes I’m wearing. Am I trying to look nice? Or am I trying to get guys to stare at my butt.

If I’m wearing shorts that happen to make my butt look nice, but I’m wearing them for the sake that: it’s either hot outside OR that they make me look nice, whoop-de-do. I find that modest. Now, if I’m purposefully trying to make a guy think lustful thoughts about me, and purposefully trying to make it hard on him, then maybe I’m not so modest. I don’t think it’s so much of the clothes, as the reason.

Now, I’m also going to address the issue of girls being blamed for when a guy thinks lustfully about them. I’m sorry, but I don’t care what a girl is wearing, a guy can still think lustfully about them. When I was fourteen I was in soccer with a guy friend of mine. I assumed that because I wore big baggy shirts and big baggy sports shorts that guys wouldn’t think of me in that way, and I liked that idea. Turns out they still thought of me that way. These boys would go into the locker rooms and talk about what girl they would have sex with and whose boobs were bouncing when they ran. I’m sorry, but how the heck is it my fault if they thought that about me? There’s only so tight of a sports bra that I can wear to get my breasts to stop moving.

Maybe girls shouldn’t be taught to cover up, maybe guys should be taught not to look at us as if we’re pieces of meat. It’s the same thing as telling a girl that she was “asking for it” in the way that she dresses. A girl never asks to be raped, if she did, it wouldn’t be rape. A way that she dresses is not an invitation. Modesty isn’t about how or what clothes you wear, but why you wear them.

If I want to wear a dress because it’s fucking adorable, I’m gonna wear it. I don’t care if you assume it’s too short. If I’m comfortable with it, I’ll wear it. If it’s cute, I’ll wear it. I’m not going out to try and make guys look at my legs (why are they so special anyways..?) I’m going to wear them because the dress makes me look goddamn adorable.