Coffee Ramen

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This is really just how my day went today. I have no other words. The picture suffices. Too tired. Too brain dead. Time to sleep.

Bethany

To Starting, To Ending – To Living, To Dying

Honestly I think it’s been awhile since I just sat down and wrote about my life and my day. I don’t really write posts anymore that are like that. I think I might start again though.

I want to document what happens with me because I feel  like maybe that will help me for a little while. I want to see the changes in my mind and my body. I want to be able to talk about my struggles and triumphs. I feel sort of silly doing this because maybe this isn’t so bad, but it’s a change nonetheless.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with PCOS.  I found out that I have insulin resistance which is most likely why I’ve gained so much weight the past few years even when I’ve been pretty active.

I’m not sure how I feel. I’m freaked out but yet I feel silly about it. I just worry so much. They told me that I will most likely end up with diabetes it’s just a matter of when – so I have to start preventing it now.

I don’t like the idea of taking medication. After my experiences with it, it really freaks me out. But I have to. I have to take medication that the prescribe to diabetics. Maybe this will fix my PCOS, but I’m going to have to take this for the rest of my life.

So I start with Metformin today. We’ll see how that goes. I hear it’s not too nice on weak stomachs which I definitely have, but I did hear I might lose some weight or stop gaining at least which is great. I guess I just miss being a kid where I didn’t care about what was in my food or how much this or that. Because I didn’t have to. I was extremely skinny. I’m glad I caught this earlier, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of emotions and that this isn’t a big change.

So, here goes to my new life I guess.

Bethany

Let Us Be Heard

After reading conversations on facebook all day I’ve got a lot of thoughts.. so here goes.

Whether or not you believe Trump was the right choice – it needs to be known that people are crying. People are afraid. People feel devalued. People feel unheard.

I stayed up last night on a video chat with people. I watched them cry for hours as I and others there cried too. Sobbing at certain points. Looking at how many people voted for this man. My friends are terrified to go to school. Terrified to wear their Hijabs. Terrified to walk in public with their significant others. Do you know how many times I heard in the past day “I guess I’m staying in the closet for another 4 years.” Suicide notes have shown up online from several different communities, especially the LGBTQ+ community.

Because to many of us, it told us they didn’t care. They didn’t care about those of us who were sexually assaulted. They didn’t care about those of us who were women. They didn’t care about those of us who were in the LGBTQ+ community. They didn’t care for people of color. They didn’t care for anyone who wasn’t a Christian. This is how many of us see it. Whether or not that’s how it is, we can disagree, but it can’t be changed that many of us see it that way.

Because we said something. We spoke up and said hey, we are terrified for our LIVES.

People are afraid for their rights and for their lives. Trump holds the presidency while Republicans hold the rest of the government. So how much will he actually be stopped when he makes a stupid idea? After Brexit the hate crimes spiked over 41% as a result of that vote. People are terrified that will happen again here in the US. Sociology has told us that Trump’s mentality and the one he encourages in his supporters, is the mentality for race-based hate crimes.

So while we were worried that hate crimes would rise, that rights would be taken away, and the chance of putting more rapists behind bars would lower… We spoke up. And we weren’t heard. Because we said, hey, we’re scared for our lives, and everyone else said hey, that’s okay we care about other things more.

You can absolutely disagree and say we have no justified reason to fear for our lives – but know that right now, a large portion of people are fearing for their lives…and that alone is scary. People shouldn’t be afraid for their lives when a new president get’s elected. Maybe that’s naive, but I believe something here is wrong. What that is and why that is, we can have our opinions on. But something is wrong and we need to have empathy and understanding.

Please don’t write this off as people being bad sports.Please don’t ignore or write off people’s outrage and fear. We aren’t just upset – we’re scared. This country needs a lot of things right now. We need prayer, we need empathy, we need understanding, and we need unity.

Bethany

My ex tried to tell me that the reason he can’t talk to me is because he’s in Canada and the apps work differently there or don’t work at all.

Darling, that’s not how it works. Please at least TRY to be a good liar as you’re insulting my intelligence.

Bethany

Pro-Life/Pro-Choice Poll

https://goo.gl/forms/EurtrARowtkudbnx1

A poll for people who are pro-life, pro-choice, and undecided on the matter. Just to see different people’s thoughts and opinions!

Hey guys! So I created a poll just because I wanted to see different people’s responses. I also wanted to know how many people switched from being pro-life to pro-choice and vice versa and their reasoning for doing so!

I have an idea for a paper to write on this.

Sooo you should check it out, it’s pretty quick! :)

Bethany

The Truth of the Monster

I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?

You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.

Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.

But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.

 

I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.

You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.

Only physical force saved me – my physical force.

Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.

 

I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.

But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.

I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.

I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.

 

I justified what you did to me and to them.

Over and over I justified the things you did.

But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.

And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.

 

So one day my mind was crystal clear.

And I made my choice in that clarity.

Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.

A long night in the police station after hours.

 

So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.

The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.

I told the police but I didn’t want charges.

I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.

 

But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.

Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.

I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.

I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.

 

I told and the monster came out in our home.

Bile rising up – tears pouring out.

I spoke those words you begged me not to.

The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.

 

In the end even you – even you admitted it.

No punishments happened to you, not a single one.

And I was the one who received the backlash.

Maybe that was the truth of the monster.

Bethany