I should love winter. I work at a ski resort and I love to ski and snowboard. Snow is my favorite thing other than Christmas trees
But my winter is filled with horrible memories of every single one of my abusive exes.. I’m reminded of our good times and our bad. I’m reminded of being raped and sexually assaulted.
I fucking hate winter.
I’m reaching my limit pretty quickly. My mother seriously has been trying to antagonize me, responding to me telling her that I think how she treated me was wrong with the text of “lol.” Seriously, are you twelve?
Or just generally treating me like crap all the time. I’m honestly just so sick of it. I’m about to break. Snap. Boom.
On top of that this medicine thing is starting to get to me. I’ve been up late every night with a stomach ache to the point of almost crying so I’m extra irritable. I’d rather not break any time soon.
I need sleep. I need to calm down. I just want things to be better.
Bethany
Hello God, yeah, I’d like to know, is this me? Is it the medication?
Am I just tired? That’d be nice to know. God?
Today was awful. I don’t know why. I just wanted to slam everything and throw everything and because I was feeling this way – everything got messed up which only made my mood worse.
On top of that, I have to go in to work tomorrow and I’m super stressed because I need to get my school work done. I’m a full time student with a full time job (which I don’t need to have, my parent’s just want me to help them out.) I told them that school work comes first and they do not care. All the money goes straight to me and I already have enough saved to pay them back the total amount bit by bit. They pay me the same amount and at the same time as any other employee, so there’s really not much reason for them to need me this badly… they even have someone coming in to work tomorrow.
But no. They want me to work. Full time. While I’m a full time student. Which drives me crazy because I have things to do. I have so much to do. I’m stressed I’m going to fail these classes.
I know I’m overreacting, but I can’t help my mood. Am I tired? Am I just in a bad mood? Am I a brat? Am I doing this because of the new medication?
On that note, for some reason I felt skinny and less bloated today – It’s probably absolutely nothing to do with my medication, but it was a nice feeling for once.
Bethany
Honestly I think it’s been awhile since I just sat down and wrote about my life and my day. I don’t really write posts anymore that are like that. I think I might start again though.
I want to document what happens with me because I feel like maybe that will help me for a little while. I want to see the changes in my mind and my body. I want to be able to talk about my struggles and triumphs. I feel sort of silly doing this because maybe this isn’t so bad, but it’s a change nonetheless.
Yesterday I was diagnosed with PCOS. I found out that I have insulin resistance which is most likely why I’ve gained so much weight the past few years even when I’ve been pretty active.
I’m not sure how I feel. I’m freaked out but yet I feel silly about it. I just worry so much. They told me that I will most likely end up with diabetes it’s just a matter of when – so I have to start preventing it now.
I don’t like the idea of taking medication. After my experiences with it, it really freaks me out. But I have to. I have to take medication that the prescribe to diabetics. Maybe this will fix my PCOS, but I’m going to have to take this for the rest of my life.
So I start with Metformin today. We’ll see how that goes. I hear it’s not too nice on weak stomachs which I definitely have, but I did hear I might lose some weight or stop gaining at least which is great. I guess I just miss being a kid where I didn’t care about what was in my food or how much this or that. Because I didn’t have to. I was extremely skinny. I’m glad I caught this earlier, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of emotions and that this isn’t a big change.
So, here goes to my new life I guess.
Bethany
My ex tried to tell me that the reason he can’t talk to me is because he’s in Canada and the apps work differently there or don’t work at all.
Darling, that’s not how it works. Please at least TRY to be a good liar as you’re insulting my intelligence.
Bethany
https://goo.gl/forms/EurtrARowtkudbnx1
A poll for people who are pro-life, pro-choice, and undecided on the matter. Just to see different people’s thoughts and opinions!
Hey guys! So I created a poll just because I wanted to see different people’s responses. I also wanted to know how many people switched from being pro-life to pro-choice and vice versa and their reasoning for doing so!
I have an idea for a paper to write on this.
Sooo you should check it out, it’s pretty quick! :)
Bethany
It didn’t hit me until today that I’ve been super shitty. Almost two years ago I was sexually assaulted by someone at college. He was my boyfriend for awhile. Last year I reported him for sexual assault.
But I forgot. I didn’t realize. There was a couple other girls who he assaulted but only one other who would go forward.
And I’m shitty because I forgot it had an impact on her. All I could think about was how having two of us might get me justice. That’s so disgusting. He sexually assaulted her too. I only thought of myself although the reason I went forward was because I heard about the multiple other girls.
But during it all…and after the fact…I forgot she was feeling how I felt. I forgot she was also let down by the justice system because he faced no charges. I forgot she was also let down by our college because they found him not guilty even when there was proof and admission from him.
And I think that’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. I feel so so shitty..and I’ve apologized to her and she’s fine with it but I feel like so much shit right now.
I think I almost feel worse than I did after I realized he assaulted me. Because how could I ignore and invalidate another survivor. I’ve been through this before so I know what it’s like, so how could I do that to someone else. How could i be so selfish…I could have done so much more…and I didn’t.
My heart breaks for you. My body yearns for you.
And my mind has only hate for you.
Bethany
I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?
You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.
Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.
But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.
I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.
You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.
Only physical force saved me – my physical force.
Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.
I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.
But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.
I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.
I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.
I justified what you did to me and to them.
Over and over I justified the things you did.
But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.
And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.
So one day my mind was crystal clear.
And I made my choice in that clarity.
Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.
A long night in the police station after hours.
So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.
The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.
I told the police but I didn’t want charges.
I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.
But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.
Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.
I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.
I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.
I told and the monster came out in our home.
Bile rising up – tears pouring out.
I spoke those words you begged me not to.
The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.
In the end even you – even you admitted it.
No punishments happened to you, not a single one.
And I was the one who received the backlash.
Maybe that was the truth of the monster.
Bethany
