Today

Today my rapist is to be married. Today the world comes crashing down. Today he wins. Today he beats me.

Marriage is something I’ve always wanted. I want that sort of love. I want to wake up next to someone and just..love. Love without worrying if they think I’m overly attached. I want to love someone with everything I have and I want to be loved in return.

But somehow, somehow, my rapist is the one who is getting married first. Somehow he gets to be happy while I’m suffering and having flashbacks. He changed my life and I wasn’t even a wrinkle in his.

Bethany

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2…

2 days until he is married. I cannot handle it. I want to puke. I want to cry. I want to hit something. 

I want to tell the world. 

But if I do he will see me as vindictive. I will be the crazy ex. He will think I’m trying to ruin the wedding. 

I kind of do want to ruin it. Why should he get marriage while I get depression and panic attacks?  While I get abusive relationships? Why? While I get sexually assaulted he gets happiness and no punishment. 

I hate my rapist today. 

Bethany

I Love You for Your Screw You

Alright everybody, hold up, it’s bragging time.

Who am I bragging about? This fantastic girl named Liv. Liv is a wonderful person I met at college… not through friends or any of that, but through…dare I say it.. Yik Yak.

She and I became instant friends even though honestly? She had no reason to like me. She had heard horrible things about me. She didn’t know me. She didn’t have to meet with me that night. But she did… she heard me… she listened to me… she believed me.

She has been the one to push me to advocate for myself. To be stronger. To be better.

The reason I’m really posting this is because her ability to never stop making me feel wonderful and loved is incredible. Recently she got a blog and posted a blurb called “Screw You” which called out the nasty people in her life (not by name, just by action) and proved just how strong she is. It went like this:

 

To the person who told me I smile too big–Screw you. My smile might be big but at least it’s genuine.

To the person who made me insecure about my body–Screw you.  I hate my body, but you don’t have to tell me more about why I should hate it.

It went on like this – continually showing exactly how strong she is and giving a big fuck you to those who tried to bring her down.

But the end, I bawled.

To the person that sexually assaulted/harassed, and emotionally and mentally abused one of the best friends I’ve ever had–Screw you.  You’ll get yours eventually.

Against all odds we became friends and she believed me. She has been the strongest advocate for me, even against myself. But to see that she believed me and supported me in writing… broke me in the most beautiful way.

So thanks, I love you for your screw you. I love you for being loyal, ridiculous, crazy, adventerous, strong, willful, intelligent, but most of all for just being you, no matter what.

Bethany

#BlackLivesMatter

All houses matter

When people say that ‪#‎blacklivesmatter‬ they aren’t saying that all lives don’t matter. They’re simply pointing out that there is a significant issue that light needs to be shed upon.

If your first reaction to someone saying “black lives matter” is to say “well all lives matter” you’re clearly missing the point. Instead you’re taking away from people’s voices which are pointing out the injustice people face, and instead making it about yourself.

To me its very similar to when feminists are talking about the injustices carried out by men and people say “well not ALL men.” Instead of looking at the issue people are talking about you’re turning it around on yourself and devaluing the movement.

It frustrates me because to me I see this as selfish. When a kid falls down and gets hurt they get comforting words and help from others right? Well I see the people who are crying “not ALL men” or “ALL lives matter” as the jealous child standing in the background wondering why they didn’t get the attention.

Bethany