You know what bugs me? Everyone is always saying that they hate being judged by weight, height, looks, clothes or skin color. Yet they put all these stereotypes on other people. If you’re a white girl then you’re considered stupid and a people pleaser, if you’re a white boy you’re a jock or a douchebag, if you’re a black girl you’re ghetto or a “bad bitch”, if you’re a black guy you’re a threat to society or people think you’re in a gang. Why do we have to stereotype? Yes, I’m a white girl but no I’m not a “typical” white girl. Why is it wrong to judge people about weight, height, looks or clothes but it’s not wrong to stereotype and put people in a box without knowing them? I mean how does that even make sense? People need to stop stereotyping. It’s just as wrong as judging people is.
The thing about superheroes is.. While they’re wearing their mask, you can imagine whoever you want to be underneath it, but once that mask comes off and you learn the truth.. Well then the mystery ends and sometimes the hero isn’t who you thought it was, sometimes it’s someone better.
You’re not afraid of the dark,
You’re afraid of what’s hiding in the dark.
You’re not afraid of the water,
You’re afraid of drowning.
You’re not afraid of heights,
You’re afraid of falling.
You’re not afraid to love,
You’re afraid to not be loved back.
You’re not afraid of the work,
You’re afraid to fail.
This is the true reality of fear.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to admit it when they’re scared. I don’t like to seem vulnerable. But truth is, I am scared. I’m terrified. I have dreamed about this for years, hoping it’d happen but never actually thinking it would. But now that it’s such a huge possibility. Now that she’s on board. I’m terrified. I don’t know how to live on my own, I can barely cook my own meals, I’m horrible at keeping my room cleaned let alone a whole house, I’ve never been on my own before, I don’t know how to pay bills or save money for the important stuff. I am so scared. How am I going to do this on my own? How am I going to be able to make it without help? And what if it’s all for nothing? I’m doing this for the slim chance that my dreams will come true, but what if I’m just fooling myself? I am so scared. I am so scared and I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to do this on my own.
I want someone I can’t have. When I say that I don’t mean in the “He’d never want me.” way. I mean I will never be able to have him. I will never be able to smile at him and have him return the smile. I’ll never be able to have hour long conversations with him about random stuff. I’ll never be able to hear any of his hilariously sarcastic remarks. I won’t be able to embarrass myself in front of him and then laugh about it with him. I’ll never get to hold his hand, or hug him, or even be close to him. I’ll never know his darkest secrets or his wildest dreams. I’ll never hear him say my name. I’ll never get to run to him when I’m upset and have him comfort me. I won’t ever be able to fall asleep beside him. I will never be able to have him.
I guess to some that isn’t really important. There’s always someone else right? There’s always someone else that you can find that with. But if I’m being honest I don’t think there is. Why? Because I’ve never met someone like him. I’ve never met someone so sarcastic and funny. I’ve never met anyone so sweet. I’ve never met someone who truly genuinely cares about people, all people. I’ve never met someone who makes me want to be better, be like him. I’ve never met someone who accepts people for who they are, no matter what other people think of them. I’ve never met someone who makes me smile just thinking about them. I’ve never met someone like him.
My whole life I’ve told people that I don’t want just anyone. That I didn’t know the kind of guy I wanted, but that one day I’d meet him and I’d just know. I’d know the type of person I want. Well now I know. The only problem is.. I’ll never be able to have him.
Why can’t anyone see me as I really am? That just because I act tough and I respond with sarcastic remarks doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings or that I don’t get hurt by what people say. I do. I do get hurt, I do have feelings. Sometimes all I want to do is cry, but I can’t always let myself. I was always taught not to cry, not to let people see your pain. But just because I don’t show it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. I do feel it. All the time. I wish people could see that I do care about others, that I care about if someone’s hurt, that just because I tell them to deal with the pain when no one is around doesn’t mean I don’t care, it means I’m trying to help them, show them they don’t have to appear weak to those who try and hurt them. I’m not mean, I’m not always tough, sometimes I break. Like right now, Right now I can barely get these words out because I can’t really see the computer screen, because I’m crying, because I’m finally letting myself feel the pain of what they’re saying about me. But they’ll never see this, they’ll never see me for who I really am and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I always have to be the strong one, the one that doesn’t feel, because I feel. I feel a lot. Why can’t they see that?
The other day I was out with my mom and as we were walking through our mall I saw this little kid, he couldn’t have been more than three, and he reminds me so much of my little cousin. As I watched this little kid I realized he never stopped smiling. He would wave at people walking by, he’d smile at anyone he made eye contact with. He was truly a sweetheart. As we walked away from the kid and his dad I looked at everyone around me. The expressions on their faces were drastically different from the little kid. Anger, pain, annoyance, irritation, sadness. Not one face around me looked happy. I tried smiling at people, seeing what would happen, but all I got back was glares. This may seem like a stupid rant, who knows maybe it is, but as I was listening to music today I came across the song Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons. In one of the versus they say this,
“You tell me to hold, but innocence is gone, and what was right is wrong.”
Now I don’t know what their interpretation for that line was, but this is how I interpreted it. As we get older the more of the world we see, the more pain we experience, and the more darkness we witness. As kids you never really hear about murders, or rape, or domestic abuse. You don’t know what it means, you don’t dwell on it. But as you get older, you see it in the papers, hear it on the news. We probably don’t even realize the true effect it has on us until, like me, you see something that shows you just how much innocence you’ve lost. You realize that you’re not a kid, you don’t wave at the people passing by because your simply happy, despite the world around us. Now I’m not saying that no adult or teenager is happy anymore, because we are, what I’m saying is that in a way we give up on the world around us. I know I’m guilty of this. Treating people rudely simply because I don’t want to take the time to be nice, simply because I might have had a bad day. We’ve let go of our child-like innocence, the innocence where you would smile or wave at someone simply just because, the innocence where we didn’t judge because it wasn’t nice. It’s a shame really, losing the innocence we should fight to cling on too.
“Some things you can’t go back to,
some things need left alone,
Don’t mess with the memories of a life passed on..”
I thought that no matter what.. You’d be the one person I’d always have. We were so alike. I guess we still are. But there’s something different about you now. You’re purposely trying to get me.. hurt? No.. Maybe not hurt. But you’re trying to get me to hurt other people. You know I speak my mind. You know I don’t let people walk all over me. So you used that to make me think someone hated me, that someone was saying stuff about me, and yet when I asked them about it. They didn’t. I think we both know that I know a liar. Well this person didn’t lie. So tell me what you’re trying to do. I used to trust you more then anyone but now? Now I can barely look you in the eye. I’m lying to you, I’m acting around you. I never used to do that. So where do we go from here? I don’t think I can trust you ever again. Apparently this isn’t the first time you’ve done this. I’m seeing through you now. I wish you hadn’t done this.. I wish you weren’t doing this.
“Don’t mess with the memories of a life passed on..”
It’s times like these where I realize just how much you’ve influenced me. How much you taught me. You taught me to be strong. You taught me to deal with the pain. You taught me to suck it up and go on. You taught me when to walk away and when to fight. You taught me who to trust and who not to trust. You taught me how to see through people. You taught me how to stand up for myself. You taught me the difference between right and wrong. You taught me its okay to get mad sometimes. You taught me that not every guy out there who says they love me does. You taught me so much more than anyone else. So thank you big brother. For protecting me, teaching me, and just for being my brother. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you.
Tonight I was sitting down with my six year old cousin on my lap. This kid is seriously so important to me. He’s like my brother. I’d protect him with my life..
As we were sitting there he sighed and said, “Em Em.. Can you stay for awhile?” I thought he meant could I stay up with him for awhile so I laughed softly and said, “I’ll stay up with you until mommy says you have to go to bed.” He shook his head and said, “No.. I mean could you stay here with us forever? I miss you..” It broke me heart. How am I supposed to tell this kid I can’t? That if it was up to me I would, but it isn’t. How am I supposed to tell him how much I miss him too so he understands? I desperately wanted to tell him I would stay forever. That I’d always be around.. But I couldn’t.. And it killed me.. This kid means so much to me and all I want to do is protect him. Protect him and his little brother. But how can I protect them if I live three hours away?
I didn’t want to tell him that I couldn’t. I wanted to look at him and say, “Of course I’ll stay munchkin. If you want me to.” But I couldn’t. Because he wouldn’t let me, the man who says he’s my dad would never let me.. And it’s not fair..