One year ago today…
My world crashed down on me, and I thought I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was going to be alone. I hated myself more than I have before and I wanted to die.
All because my rapist got married.
I’m looking at my life and I love myself and who I’ve become. So today I’d like to thank my rapist – because I’m ten times stronger because of the hell I’ve been through. I hate him for hurting me, I do, but I love him as a Christian. It hurts to see him preach in front of a congregation. It kills. But I’m more compassionate because of him.
One year hurts, but makes me thankful.
Today at my old college there was a protest over a professor getting fired after he was accused of sexual assault. They don’t believe the girl who reported him – but why is this what these students care about. This an only this. I don’t even know if this man is or isn’t guilty – but what I do know is that the college ignored injustice for years. So why now?
Where were these protests when I was dismissed from the college after reporting a sexual assault? Where were these protests when the boy was found not guilty even though he admitted it and I had proof? Where were these protests when the boy was allowed to stay on campus if he wrote a paper on the sanctity of marriage. Where were the protests when a serial rapist was allowed to graduate? Where were the protests when administration stayed silent?
Where were these protests when this college refused to take our sexual assaults seriously.
Is it just because you cared more for this professor than you did for any of the students? Because you don’t care about assault survivors?
I should love winter. I work at a ski resort and I love to ski and snowboard. Snow is my favorite thing other than Christmas trees
But my winter is filled with horrible memories of every single one of my abusive exes.. I’m reminded of our good times and our bad. I’m reminded of being raped and sexually assaulted.
I fucking hate winter.
Today I think it started. I feel like I’m being torn from the inside up. 8 months and now my pain is back worse than ever.
Dear lord, why am I trying to make myself have periods again?
I miss my old school. I miss being happy. I miss things being easier. I miss not being exhausted all the time. I miss the time before this hurt. I miss my old life. I miss my old friendships. I miss being okay. I miss it all.
I feel like my heart is breaking and it’s not even over a person.
This is really just how my day went today. I have no other words. The picture suffices. Too tired. Too brain dead. Time to sleep.
Well, today I had a CT scan and I don’t believe I’ve ever had IV contrast before.
They made me drink super gross stuff (featured above.) It was quite awful actually. I had to drink all of it before the scan and I could hardly even sip it without puking but I got it done.
Then we went to get my scan. Don’t know why I didn’t realize id actually be getting an IV put in but yeah. Needles freak me out. I don’t know if I’ve had an IV since I was older? But that was interesting. Then for the scan. Meh, that was fine except my IV kept moving around. THEN CAME THE BAD PART. THEY ACTUALLY INJECTED ME WITH THE CONTRAST. It burned going in. Then when they put me back through the scanner is when it really started. I started getting hot flashes from the head down.
My whole body was warm and tingly and I felt like I was burning up from the inside out. Worst part though? It totally makes you feel like you’re peeing your pants.
For the record I didn’t pee my pants.
But anyways that was interesting experience I never want to relive.
Especially as now my whole arm is sore. Blech. Now, time for bed. Oh lanta.