Don’t Get Too Close: It’s Dark Inside

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When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

– Imagine Dragons

So my anger and pain finally caught up to me and I wrote “to” the guy who sexually assaulted me and who I tried to get justice against. I feel like a horrible person. I feel crazy. I feel ridiculous. But this is what’s inside. My pain and my horrid disgusting inability to forgive. My problem with playing victim. My demons. So here they are; no more hiding.

Letters to Carson: Day 1 through Day 40

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A Letter to Justin: The Man Who Was My Friend When Convenient

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To Justin,

I can no longer say “dear” although once upon a time I would have.

Once we were close and I was there for you whenever you needed me. Now though, thinks have been rocky between us. You asked me if we were good…

No, I don’t think I’m okay with being friends with you. You’ve said a lot of hurtful things, and I don’t believe you stayed neutral during all of this. If you did, you wouldn’t have defended Carson or encouraged him to get away. You didn’t really take the chance to see it from my side.

You also really hurt me by basically calling me psycho. I’m not, because if you put yourself in my shoes, you’d understand why I did it. Yeah, you may not understand it, but I was actually rational during that. He shouldn’t have run away with no explanation, and to me that was standing up for myself. Standing up for myself when he sexually assaulted me.
You also hate being called violent, or out of control. If someone is hurting you or your friends, you put a stop to it somehow, and if they continued, you have threatened them. Because of this, I very much so don’t believe you have any right to act like what I did was crazy. That’s putting a double standard on it.
My life experiences are different than yours so you may not understand, but that doesn’t give you the right to say I’m crazy or act like I was out of line. I truly don’t believe I was, because I didn’t do that out of the blue, it was after days of trying to get an explanation from him. It didn’t hurt him to give me 30 seconds – 1 minute to talk to me…But it did hurt me to be left in the dust. It hurt me to be left when I was letting it go that he assaulted me.
I don’t think I’m okay with being friends with you, because you’ve placed so many double standards. You always promised to be here, but any time I brought up feminism, you got strange. You promised to be my friend, but rarely were you there for me, only I for you. You didn’t care when he assaulted me.
Any time I really needed a friend, you weren’t there. Only when it was easy for you.
I’m almost sorry; only for what could have been, not because I’m leaving.
Bethany

A Letter to Alex: The Man Who Stepped In

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Dear Alex,

Crazy crazy Alex whom my heart adores. The funny thing is, I really had never talked to you until the one day I mentioned I was having a hard time with the people who I sat with at lunch. You knew I was the new girl, so I didn’t know many people. You took that opportunity to take me under your wing.

Alex, you became the brother I wished I had. Sure, I had an older brother, but you were protective and caring of me. You never liked me, but you loved me all the same. You still take the time to check up on me.

Alex, I love and adore you for being who you are. We really weren’t around each other for more than a few months, but you made the biggest (positive) impact on me while I was in your High School for that one year.

You stepped in when I needed someone the most. You taught me to be strong and beautiful without a guy.

Thank you Alex,

Bethany

A Letter To Emily: the Girl Who Inspired Me in Five Days

Dear Emily,

So I really just wanted to tell you this, and I feel like God has been putting it on my heart, and your last post definitely confirmed it. So here it goes. Emily, I just wanted you to know that this weekend, you definitely were an inspiration. I had no idea what was going on in your life, just that it might have taken a turn for the worst.

I only knew this because of a few things you said, but not in how you acted. What I saw this weekend was a girl driven by God who had completely changed her life around. I want to say that even if I don’t take this job, God meant for me to go on this trip and meet you. You have no idea the influence you had on me. The past few years I’ve started to abandon my faith. I got into drugs, alcohol, and sex. I turned a blind eye because I didn’t think I could go back. I became suicidal, and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I started cutting and just had an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. 

I recently started the process of turning my life around, but meeting you has inspired me and showed me that I’m not alone and that I can do this. I really just wanted to let you know, that Emily, God is using you in amazing ways already and you may not even see it. You have absolutely no idea how much confidence you put inside me. God meant for me to meet you, and I just wanted to let you know. So hey, it might be sappy and confusing, but I love you, and thank you. Thank you so much for bursting with light like you did this week.

With love, and admiration,

Bethany

A Letter To Luke: My Brother Who Has Heart of Gold and is My Greatest Treasure

Dear Luke,

I wish I could find a way to tell you everything I’ve been thinking about you recently. I’ve tried, but the words just don’t come. Luke, you are ten years old, and you haven’t had an easy life. Yet you have a heart so kind I cannot even fathom. 

You have no idea how protective I am of you. Yeah, sometimes I find you annoying. But never is anyone ever allowed to call you that. No one is ever allowed to insult you. You know why? Because they could never amount to be half as good as you. 

Luke, one day you will make someone a perfect husband. You already are a perfect brother. We fight, we argue, but I hope you know how much I brag about my littl red headed leprechaun. Do you know I love and adore you?

I know how big your heart is. You care for creatures and people. You cry when you see I’m hurt. You feel others pain. You try to be as kind and as excepting as possible to everyone. You get bullied every day at school, yet you are still so kind. Do you know the strength it takes? 

I love everything about you. I love your smile that you’re so shy of. I love how you don’t boast or brag. I love how you adore to cuddle and help. I love how I’ll walk out of my room and you will call me beautiful. I love how you enjoy talking to random people. I love how you are not ashamed of who you are. I love how intelligent you are. I love how you are a peacemaker. I love how you are selfless. I love how you make sure everyone else is happy. I love how you love God.

You’ve had a tough life, I know that. But honey, that’s made you so special. I miss you everyday at college. Maybe you wonder why I get so worked up about someone insulting you. It’s because I never want your beautiful light to dim. You are so happy and cheerful; you look for the best. I never want you to hate yourself or become depressed. You give me hope. You have no idea how much your very being comforts me. Sometimes when I’m sad, I find myself wanting to cuddle you. You hold me and love me. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

God will do amazing things with you Luke. 

I love you with all my heart,

Bethany

Letters

Hey everyone, I’m going to start a project where I do “letters to” different people. 

This is important to me because quite often I get too afraid to tell them anything. Maybe some day I can show them these. 

College has given me a lot of thoughts, a lot of friends, and a lot of emotions. Here’s where those will be documented. 

Bethany