One year ago today…
My world crashed down on me, and I thought I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was going to be alone. I hated myself more than I have before and I wanted to die.
All because my rapist got married.
I’m looking at my life and I love myself and who I’ve become. So today I’d like to thank my rapist – because I’m ten times stronger because of the hell I’ve been through. I hate him for hurting me, I do, but I love him as a Christian. It hurts to see him preach in front of a congregation. It kills. But I’m more compassionate because of him.
One year hurts, but makes me thankful.
So my mom is nice and bitchy, and likes to invade my privacy and read this blog after promising she won’t. Yay!
So I’ll probably be deleting the whole blog and all my tumblr accounts so that’s cool. Thanks mom. Also thanks for never being able to admit you are wrong! Thanks for never apologizing. Such a great role model you are.
Today at my old college there was a protest over a professor getting fired after he was accused of sexual assault. They don’t believe the girl who reported him – but why is this what these students care about. This an only this. I don’t even know if this man is or isn’t guilty – but what I do know is that the college ignored injustice for years. So why now?
Where were these protests when I was dismissed from the college after reporting a sexual assault? Where were these protests when the boy was found not guilty even though he admitted it and I had proof? Where were these protests when the boy was allowed to stay on campus if he wrote a paper on the sanctity of marriage. Where were the protests when a serial rapist was allowed to graduate? Where were the protests when administration stayed silent?
Where were these protests when this college refused to take our sexual assaults seriously.
Is it just because you cared more for this professor than you did for any of the students? Because you don’t care about assault survivors?
I should love winter. I work at a ski resort and I love to ski and snowboard. Snow is my favorite thing other than Christmas trees
But my winter is filled with horrible memories of every single one of my abusive exes.. I’m reminded of our good times and our bad. I’m reminded of being raped and sexually assaulted.
I fucking hate winter.
I was always worried I would be like my parents.
My intersectional feminism has forced me to learn to apologize and admit when I’m wrong.
At least there’s one way I won’t be like them.
Honesty time, I’m terrified that I will never love anyone as much as I loved my last ex. The ex who was emotionally abusive and sexually assaulted me. Our relationship WAS good during most of it. He treated me the best…
And I’m terrified that I will love this horrible person forever.