Today is all about being thankful and honestly it’s a struggle right now. I feel bleak and like I’ve lost a lot of hope. Not only is there this sickness inside of me, but there’s sickness around me, in my soul, in my family.
I started my medication last night and I’m still freaking out about my insulin and PCOS, along with my future. The medication is really messing my stomach up and we still haven’t figured out the pain in my side. So my body is in pain and honestly I just feel gross.
But that doesn’t compare to the sickness I felt while being around my family – because I felt sick in my heart and soul then. Maybe that’s dramatic, but honestly I don’t care, that’s what I feel. I wanted to go back to writing what I feel here and to be honest with myself.
I felt sick. I felt sick watching them be sexist and enforcing toxic mentalities in the children. I felt sick watching how once again, the men refused to help clean up or help make dinner, but the women do it all so graciously. I’m sick of the racism. I’m sick of the homophobia. I’m sick of the ignorance. I’m sick and tired of all of this. I tried to avoid it. I try to ignore it when I can’t handle it, but it follows me everywhere. I can’t even speak up about it when I’m at home.
So through all this it’s really hard not to slip. It’s hard to not get depressed. Maybe people find that ridiculous but it still is how it is. I hate this.
I’m trying to be thankful for what I have but in that I feel guilty and I feel sick.