Exhaustion Exhaustion

I have 4 minutes to get this in. I’m really trying to post one a day. Oh dear lanta.

Okay, what happened today… I went to the dentist.. had no cavities, they said some of my issues could have been from PCOS so that’s fun.

Argued with my manager..kind of..we didn’t really argue but we were both definitely annoyed with each other. No bueno. Nopedy nope. But my mother did agree with me so that’s cool…

Ummm I wrote a fun and personal paper which is why I’m up so late. Are you supposed to mention your depression in your papers? Oh well. I am kind of happy today though because I finally got a hoop for my nose piercing and it doesn’t look horrible.

Oh yes, and my tummy..still so funny :(

Bethany

I’m Burning From The Inside Out


Well, today I had a CT scan and I don’t believe I’ve ever had IV contrast before. 
They made me drink super gross stuff (featured above.) It was quite awful actually. I had to drink all of it before the scan and I could hardly even sip it without puking but I got it done. 

Then we went to get my scan. Don’t know why I didn’t realize id actually be getting an IV put in but yeah. Needles freak me out. I don’t know if I’ve had an IV since I was older? But that was interesting. Then for the scan. Meh, that was fine except my IV kept moving around. THEN CAME THE BAD PART. THEY ACTUALLY INJECTED ME WITH THE CONTRAST. It burned going in. Then when they put me back through the scanner is when it really started. I started getting hot flashes from the head down. 

My whole body was warm and tingly and I felt like I was burning up from the inside out. Worst part though? It totally makes you feel like you’re peeing your pants.

For the record I didn’t pee my pants. 

But anyways that was interesting experience I never want to relive. 

Especially as now my whole arm is sore. Blech. Now, time for bed. Oh lanta. 

Bethany

Surprise?

Had a decently big fight today with my mom because of how she reacted to me telling her about my topic for a paper..and she apologized a couple hours later? Like she never does that? Holy crap???

I still have to respond because she sent it in a text, and either way I’m still hurt because I know her reaction was that of her true feelings so that sucks..

But yeah, today was weird and full of interesting surprises and turns. In other news my stomach still is trying to kill me.

Bethany

Sometimes We Don’t Bend; We Break

I’m reaching my limit pretty quickly. My mother seriously has been trying to antagonize me, responding to me telling her that I think how she treated me was wrong with the text of “lol.” Seriously, are you twelve?

Or just generally treating me like crap all the time. I’m honestly just so sick of it. I’m about to break. Snap. Boom.

On top of that this medicine thing is starting to get to me. I’ve been up late every night with a stomach ache to the point of almost crying so I’m extra irritable. I’d rather not break any time soon.

I need sleep. I need to calm down. I just want things to be better.

Bethany

Tummy Why Are You So Sad?

My stomach is killing me. I was up late last night feeling like I was going to puke and having trouble sleeping and it’s the same today. It’s killing me. I’m dead. Bye.

Honestly though this medication is really getting on my nerves and I’m not looking forward to taking it for the rest of my life, let alone upping the dosage. I’m interested to see if I actually do lose weight though. Imagine if I actually did – would I love myself more?

The concept of weight and body image in our culture is certainly interesting…and depressing. Really, we have such ridiculous beauty standards.

Enough of that, I’m a little sick of thinking of my weight and stuff. In other news I’m getting a CAT scan on Tuesday to see if we can figure out my abnormal pain. Not looking forward to that or the crap I’m going to get because I have to be driven there.

Honestly I’m so sick of my mom right now. I’m trying really hard to not be irritated with her all the time or to be bitter or act like a brat.. but I’m exhausted with the fact that she won’t apologize ever and that she thinks it’s totally okay to yell at me, be rude to me, say nasty things and so on, but yet condemns me for the very same things and expects me to apologize. Whatever happened to leading by example?

There’s my rant for the day.

Bethany

Hello God, Is It Me, Bethany?

Hello God, yeah, I’d like to know, is this me? Is it the medication? 

Am I just tired? That’d be nice to know. God?

Today was awful. I don’t know why. I just wanted to slam everything and throw everything and because I was feeling this way – everything got messed up which only made my mood worse.

On top of that, I have to go in to work tomorrow and I’m super stressed because I need to get my school work done. I’m a full time student with a full time job (which I don’t need to have, my parent’s just want me to help them out.) I told them that school work comes first and they do not care. All the money goes straight to me and I already have enough saved to pay them back the total amount bit by bit. They pay me the same amount and at the same time as any other employee, so there’s really not much reason for them to need me this badly… they even have someone coming in to work tomorrow.

But no. They want me to work. Full time. While I’m a full time student. Which drives me crazy because I have things to do. I have so much to do. I’m stressed I’m going to fail these classes.

I know I’m overreacting, but I can’t help my mood. Am I tired? Am I just in a bad mood? Am I a brat? Am I doing this because of the new medication?

On that note, for some reason I felt skinny and less bloated today – It’s probably absolutely nothing to do with my medication, but it was a nice feeling for once.

Bethany

Giving Thanks, I’m Trying

Today is all about being thankful and honestly it’s a struggle right now. I feel bleak and like I’ve lost a lot of hope. Not only is there this sickness inside of me, but there’s sickness around me, in my soul, in my family.

I started my medication last night and I’m still freaking out about my insulin and PCOS, along with my future. The medication is really messing my stomach up and we still haven’t figured out the pain in my side. So my body is in pain and honestly I just feel gross.

But that doesn’t compare to the sickness I felt while being around my family – because I felt sick in my heart and soul then. Maybe that’s dramatic, but honestly I don’t care, that’s what I feel. I wanted to go back to writing what I feel here and to be honest with myself.

I felt sick. I felt sick watching them be sexist and enforcing toxic mentalities in the children. I felt sick watching how once again, the men refused to help clean up or help make dinner, but the women do it all so graciously. I’m sick of the racism. I’m sick of the homophobia. I’m sick of the ignorance. I’m sick and tired of all of this. I tried to avoid it. I try to ignore it when I can’t handle it, but it follows me everywhere. I can’t even speak up about it when I’m at home.

So through all this it’s really hard not to slip. It’s hard to not get depressed. Maybe people find that ridiculous but it still is how it is. I hate this.

I’m trying to be thankful for what I have but in that I feel guilty and I feel sick.

Bethany

It Isn’t About YOU | The Inner Musings of The Babbling Writer

White people aren’t oppressed, no matter how many times someone calls us crackers or mayonnaise. The “lovely” thing about being in a place of power is that we have the ability to walk away from these types of comments, we have the ability to be clueless about oppressive structures, while those in marginalized groups don’t have that advantage.

Source: It Isn’t About YOU | The Inner Musings of The Babbling Writer

To Starting, To Ending – To Living, To Dying

Honestly I think it’s been awhile since I just sat down and wrote about my life and my day. I don’t really write posts anymore that are like that. I think I might start again though.

I want to document what happens with me because I feel  like maybe that will help me for a little while. I want to see the changes in my mind and my body. I want to be able to talk about my struggles and triumphs. I feel sort of silly doing this because maybe this isn’t so bad, but it’s a change nonetheless.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with PCOS.  I found out that I have insulin resistance which is most likely why I’ve gained so much weight the past few years even when I’ve been pretty active.

I’m not sure how I feel. I’m freaked out but yet I feel silly about it. I just worry so much. They told me that I will most likely end up with diabetes it’s just a matter of when – so I have to start preventing it now.

I don’t like the idea of taking medication. After my experiences with it, it really freaks me out. But I have to. I have to take medication that the prescribe to diabetics. Maybe this will fix my PCOS, but I’m going to have to take this for the rest of my life.

So I start with Metformin today. We’ll see how that goes. I hear it’s not too nice on weak stomachs which I definitely have, but I did hear I might lose some weight or stop gaining at least which is great. I guess I just miss being a kid where I didn’t care about what was in my food or how much this or that. Because I didn’t have to. I was extremely skinny. I’m glad I caught this earlier, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of emotions and that this isn’t a big change.

So, here goes to my new life I guess.

Bethany

Let Us Be Heard

After reading conversations on facebook all day I’ve got a lot of thoughts.. so here goes.

Whether or not you believe Trump was the right choice – it needs to be known that people are crying. People are afraid. People feel devalued. People feel unheard.

I stayed up last night on a video chat with people. I watched them cry for hours as I and others there cried too. Sobbing at certain points. Looking at how many people voted for this man. My friends are terrified to go to school. Terrified to wear their Hijabs. Terrified to walk in public with their significant others. Do you know how many times I heard in the past day “I guess I’m staying in the closet for another 4 years.” Suicide notes have shown up online from several different communities, especially the LGBTQ+ community.

Because to many of us, it told us they didn’t care. They didn’t care about those of us who were sexually assaulted. They didn’t care about those of us who were women. They didn’t care about those of us who were in the LGBTQ+ community. They didn’t care for people of color. They didn’t care for anyone who wasn’t a Christian. This is how many of us see it. Whether or not that’s how it is, we can disagree, but it can’t be changed that many of us see it that way.

Because we said something. We spoke up and said hey, we are terrified for our LIVES.

People are afraid for their rights and for their lives. Trump holds the presidency while Republicans hold the rest of the government. So how much will he actually be stopped when he makes a stupid idea? After Brexit the hate crimes spiked over 41% as a result of that vote. People are terrified that will happen again here in the US. Sociology has told us that Trump’s mentality and the one he encourages in his supporters, is the mentality for race-based hate crimes.

So while we were worried that hate crimes would rise, that rights would be taken away, and the chance of putting more rapists behind bars would lower… We spoke up. And we weren’t heard. Because we said, hey, we’re scared for our lives, and everyone else said hey, that’s okay we care about other things more.

You can absolutely disagree and say we have no justified reason to fear for our lives – but know that right now, a large portion of people are fearing for their lives…and that alone is scary. People shouldn’t be afraid for their lives when a new president get’s elected. Maybe that’s naive, but I believe something here is wrong. What that is and why that is, we can have our opinions on. But something is wrong and we need to have empathy and understanding.

Please don’t write this off as people being bad sports.Please don’t ignore or write off people’s outrage and fear. We aren’t just upset – we’re scared. This country needs a lot of things right now. We need prayer, we need empathy, we need understanding, and we need unity.

Bethany