I thought I had found the man, third time’s the charm right?
You looked at me with something in your eyes – something other than lust.
Wanting something more than domination, manipulation, and control.
But you ripped me apart, leaving a bloody mess.
I became yours for the taking – I felt dirty.
You never asked for consent and you didn’t stop when I said no.
Only physical force saved me – my physical force.
Once again I was violated by a man who wanted to be a pastor.
I blamed myself for every girl after me – every one who you hurt next.
But I wouldn’t let the monster of what you did escape from my lips.
I wouldn’t let the bile rise up – I swallowed it down.
I prayed that the others are fine and that no more will be hurt.
I justified what you did to me and to them.
Over and over I justified the things you did.
But then some days my head is clear from your grasp.
And I know – I know that what you did can’t be justified.
So one day my mind was crystal clear.
And I made my choice in that clarity.
Phone calls were made and cars were borrowed.
A long night in the police station after hours.
So I told – I opened my mouth and the monster came out.
The dark mess came out slowly, then all at once, like bile I couldn’t keep down.
I told the police but I didn’t want charges.
I wanted a record for those after me, for those who might come.
But then I went back and I told home – our home – yours and mine.
Because even there I needed there to be a something for those to come after me.
I knew there were some to come – I was the frontrunner.
I was the trailblazer for those hurt by you.
I told and the monster came out in our home.
Bile rising up – tears pouring out.
I spoke those words you begged me not to.
The truth burned out – I don’t know if even I could have stopped them.
In the end even you – even you admitted it.
No punishments happened to you, not a single one.
And I was the one who received the backlash.
Maybe that was the truth of the monster.