It’s a journey

For the past year or so I’ve been trying to lose weight. Not because I wanted to be skinny to please boys or because I wanted people to think I was hot. But because I want to feel good in my own skin, I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, I want to take pictures with someone and not only see a fat girl, I want to wear clothes and feel good about what I’m wearing. But see, no matter how hard I try it seems that I can never stick with it. I’ve tried diet plans, name brand weight loss companies, working out, everything basically but I can’t stick with it. But it’s not because I don’t want it, I do I want it, it’s because no matter how happy I get about losing five pounds or losing even a pound someone else is doing better and it seems like it doesn’t even matter that I’ve lost weight. I get so tired of trying to look nice and lose weight when no one is going to support me or tell me I’ve done good. I can’t do it on my own and no one seems to understand this. I can’t just lose weight, I need support, I need love, I need someone to be there to tell me that five pounds is a good accomplishment, I need someone to congratulate me even when it’s not that big of a deal. Why? Because how can anyone want to do something if they don’t have support? How can someone get better at sports if they don’t have someone helping them along? How can someone do better in school without a little help? So how can I lose weight without a little support? People are always judging me, saying I’m fat or I could lose a few pounds, but when I do lose a few pounds no one is happy for me. So no, I won’t be able to do this if I don’t have someone to help me. I won’t be able to reach my goal if all I get in return for my hard work is more judgment. It’s a journey and I need someone to help me along on my journey.

This is Why I Need Feminism

I was 5: and I had a tendency to sit with my legs spread wide because it was comfortable. My grandma told my mom that “she’d better teach me not to do that by the time I was older because it sent out a message to people.”


I was 7: and I was the only girl on my soccer team. It didn’t matter how good I was. The boys still laughed and told me I was stupid. They told me girls weren’t fit for sports.


I was 8: and four boys cornered me during my brother’s soccer game. Two of them held my arms while the other two pulled my hair and tried groping my chest even though nothing was there yet. They poured red kool-aid all over me when I bit one of the boys. None of the passerbys even spared me a glance.


I was 10: and my guy friends made fun of me being in ballet. It was then that I was convinced that being “girly” was a bad thing. So it was then that I quit and gave up anything that made me seem like a “girly-girl.”


I was 11: and the boys on my soccer team made jokes about me because I was a girl even though I’d been on the team for four years. It was then that they told me that because I was ugly I would never amount to anything.


I was 12: and an older boy made several crude comments about my carpets matched the drapes. I was also 12 when a boy on my brother’s football team began to stalk me. He knew we didn’t lock our doors a night and the color of my wallpaper. I was 12 when he started telling everyone the nasty things he wanted to do to me. The other boys joined in too.


I was 13: and a boy began to manipulate me to get answers out of me that I didn’t want to tell him. He had me convinced that boys were superior to girls. He didn’t understand no.


It was July 2011: and the same boy had me competing for his attention. He told me the other girl was “winning” because she let him feel her up. I wouldn’t put out so I “lost.”


It was August 2011: and I told him I wasn’t going to do anything other than kiss or hold hands. He freaked out and told me that he deserved to have more after all he had done for me. It was August when I left.


I was 14: and the same boy talked about what a teasing prude I was. The whole town made jokes about me. Boys called me scum for not putting out.


It was November 2011: and that boy came back, all friendly and manipulative. Soon he had me believing that he left me and he had come back to give me a second chance. He got me to starts sexting him to “repay him for his grace.”


It was December 2011: and I tried to stop because things were going too far. He was mad any day that I couldn’t “help him out.” He told me he would leave me if I did. He had me convinced that because I was a girl I was awful and didn’t have a choice.


It was April 1st, 2012: and he shoved his hands in my shirt before he even kissed me. My first kiss wasn’t as great as I thought. He drove me home that night. He parked on the side of the road and wouldn’t go again until I let him take off my shirt.


It was April 10th, 2012: and he cornered me and kept pushing for more. That night he convinced me to ask him out. He wouldn’t ask me because he thought he deserved to be the one asked for all he had done for me.


It was June 2012: and he left me because I wasn’t giving him enough. He still wanted me to sext him though, because that was the only way he would ever like me again.


I was 15: and he came back. Saying I could have a second chance for being such a good girl, but now I wasn’t allowed to hug anyone but him. I couldn’t talk to any boys but him. Because I was a girl, I was dirty and couldn’t be trusted.


It was November 2012: and he told me he didn’t love me anymore, so he broke up with me again. He said might be able to get his feelings though if I kept doing stuff with him. Then he told me he would leave me if I said no when he asked for sex. One day he asked. He blamed me when he felt guilty about it.


It was New Year’s Eve 2012: and I was cornered by an extremely drunk man at a ski area. He pressed himself against me. Nothing happened. I shoved him away and walked home, but the boy still said I was asking for it. I was wearing ski pants and multiple layers of clothing and a big winter coat. Still, it was my fault. The boy left for good.

I am 16: and this past year and a half I’ve been through another ex-boyfriend using me for my body. I’ve been through people calling me a slut and whore because I’ve slept with someone. I have people chasing after me for sex, and not for my personality. I’ve been pushed around because I’m a girl. I’m 16, and now, my ex-boyfriend’s younger brother, a good friend of mine, started asking me for sex. He wouldn’t listen to no. He told me to stop being so uptight and began begging. The fact that his dog understands no, in English and in sign language, and still understands it better than he does is disturbing. 16 years, and too much has happened to me because of my gender.

The fact that I thought this was “normal” until now sickens me. How far has our society sunk? I haven’t been through terrible things, but this still isn’t okay. This is why I need feminism.



Yes, all women have been demeaned by men.

Yes, all women have been harassed.

Yes, all women are disgusted by Elliot Rodgers, a topic which I already wrote about in a recent post.

What is #YesAllWomen? It’s a hashtag that started awhile ago in response to Male Rights Activist’s complaints of things such as “friend-zoning.” However, this hashtag didn’t start trending until about two nights ago.

Since then there has been a massive surge of both women and men speaking up for Women’s Rights. There’s thousands upon thousands of tweets of women and men who are absolutely horrified at the way women are treated. I’d like to say right now, that it is not all men who do this, but it is all women who receive.

Why Do We Need #YesAllWomen?

Weight Room

CapturesputnikBojYLo6IUAAdy34JigsawFacebookJoke(I believe he’s suggesting it’s okay to joke about people being killed because they wouldn’t put out…Not okay.)

#YesAllWomen is the TOP Trend on Twitter Right Now


#YesAllWomen is important, and no, it’s #NotAllMen but that’s not what these tweets are saying. If you’re one of the males who whine about your own hurt feelings instead of the horrors many of these women have gone through, please go reevaluate your life. Feminism isn’t bashing men. Feminism is getting women on equal ground as men. Many of these women are getting harassed for simply putting their stories out there.

Not all men, but far too many.

I need #YesAllWomen because my first boyfriend told me that if I didn’t sleep with him, I was going to be alone, pathetic, and useless.

I need #YesAllWomen because I’m afraid to walk home alone at night.

I need #YesAllWomen because there’s a teacher at my school who makes the girls with big breasts sit up front.

I need #YesAllWomen because people laughed when I told them I was going on a two week camping trip.

I need #YesAllWomen because almost all of my guy friends have either asked me for sex or pictures.

I need #YesAllWomen because I lost several friends because they got angry when I said no.

I need #YesAllWomen because girls around me are raped and abused.

I need #YesAllWomen because we are told that “boys will be boys.”

The world needs feminism because everyone should be equal. The world needs feminism because rape has been renamed “non-consensual sex” so it sounds better. The world needs feminism because people are being told that acting like a girl is bad. The world needs feminism because misogyny hinders both men and women’s actions.

Men aren’t allowed to cry. Men have to play sports. Men can’t do theatre. Men can’t opt to be stay-at-home fathers. Men can’t wear makeup, carry purses or treat themselves to spa days. Men are restricted from doing certain activities on the basis of their gender just as females are.  (Boys Need Feminism, Too)



Hubris: Maybe It’s Not Just Greek Mythology

“Hubris means deadly pride, Percy. Thinking you can do things better than anyone else…even the gods.”

I learned a new word today while reading Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters: hubris. 

Hubris (hu·bris)
1. Pride or arrogance
2. (In Greek tragedy) an excess of ambition, pride, etc, ultimately causing the transgressor’s ruin.

I like this word, but I also hate it. The reason that I have mixed feelings for this word is because it’s a fantastic word to use, but… It fits me perfectly. I do believe that I can do things better than anyone else.

I’m never satisfied with letting other people do my work or something that I could do. That in itself is a blessing and curse. On one hand it means I’m diligent and not lazy; I don’t like to freeload. However, it also means I’m extremely arrogant. I can’t let anyone else do something, because deep down I believe that only know the right way to do it.

The word hubris is usually used in reference to the heroes and heroines in Greek mythology. Hubris was their mortal flaw that usually lead to their demise. Honestly, that’s the only time I’ve ever heard the word hubris. Maybe I’m missing out on people using such fantastic words, or maybe it really isn’t well known and people just use it for mythology.

Either way, it shouldn’t just be used for mythology because it’s a perfect word. Maybe hubris is my mortal flaw. One of them at least.

Really though, there are so many amazing words that people should start to use more often. Hubris, dastardly, fetching, befuddle, supercilious, winsome, harry, or copious are just a few examples. There are so many fantastic words to use.


Please, Don’t Tell Me Misogyny Doesn’t Exist

I’m sure many of you have heard about Elliot Rodger’s shooting spree. If you haven’t, I would encourage you to look up the story. I heard about it on tumblr from two posts. First post. Second post. Feminism and anti-slut shaming are a constant topic in my blog, and that’s what this post will be about too.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist. 

I’m serious, don’t ever tell me it doesn’t exist or that there is no need for feminism. If you opened the link to the first post, you’ll see a collection of comments that were made on Rodger’s youtube video, which publicly proclaimed that he was going to “slaughter every single spoiled, stuck-up, blonde slut I see.” I’d advise watching this video with discretion. These comments are absolutely horrifying. Many of them are agreeing with Elliot, some are even calling his victims scum. Another said that he was helping spread God’s wrath on the sinners. Uh, one second. So because a girl doesn’t want to sleep with you, she’s a sinner? And..killing people is okay? Although quite a few said that Roder’s was a psycho and was completely off-his-rocker, the fact that anyone agreed with him is absolutely terrifying.

Elliot Rodger shot and killed six people, shot and injured seven others, run over four more and left a 13th with unspecified injuries Friday night as he stalked the streets of Isla Vista. (NBC) Why did he do this? Ultimately, because he was a virgin. He did this because in his mind he deserved to have sex. He was angry at girls for rejecting him, “the supreme gentleman” as he liked to call himself. So what did he do? He punished them in the worst way possible. He also said in his youtube video that he was the “alpha male.”

Hold up, so girls are required to have sex with a guy if they want it? Sorry, but we have free will over our bodies. You can’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist when things like this happen. You can’t tell me feminism isn’t needed when still a lot of people blame the girls for this. I’ve seen people saying that the girls should have just put out for Rodger. So now you’re telling me that if I don’t put out, some guy will have an excuse to kill me? Sorry, but that’s complete and absolute rubbish.

I should not be afraid for my life because I reject unwanted sexual advances. Nor should I be put down for either accepting or rejecting them. It’s my body, my choice, and my right.

A couple of years ago I was a prude because I hadn’t kissed a boy. I was being called this from ages 12-14. Can you imagine that? A girl being put down by boys for not kissing anyone, and only being twelve years old? When I got my first boyfriend it was drilled into my brain that without my body, I would be nothing. So over and over I let a boy use me for my body because I believed that was the only way to keep him. I was stupid, and never should have believed it, but there are many boys who do act like this and no one sees a problem with it.

Later on I was then made fun of and called a slut because I slept with that boy. No one asked for my side of the story. No one cared that the only reason I slept with him was because he basically said he would leave me if I said no. I was stupid.

But how was I to know any better? My whole life I had been told that being a virgin was a bad thing. Then as soon as I wasn’t a virgin, I was laughed at and called a slut by the same people.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist. 

Don’t do it. Because when I can’t make a choice without fearing for my life, or having to worry about people running their mouths about me, misogyny definitely exists. Please, don’t say feminism isn’t needed when people compare boys and girls having sex to a lock and key. You know the one, where if a lock can be used with any key it’s crappy, but if a key opens any lock then it’s awesome. Yeah. That. I heard that when I was a little girl. So from a young age I was being told that boys have more of a choice over their bodies than girls do.

A couple of years ago, I had it so drilled into my brain that anything “girly” was bad. It was so drilled into my brain that I quit wearing dresses, I forced myself to hate the colors pink and purple, and I even quit dancing even though I loved it. I wanted nothing to do with being girly because everyone around me acted like it was bad. Liking flowers and dresses isn’t bad. There’s nothing wrong with it. Not liking flowers or dresses isn’t bad either.

What is bad? Is when someone changes their preferences for society. It’s bad when it’s drilled into everyone’s brains to make sexist jokes and to deep down believe that the male gender is better.

Please, don’t tell me misogyny doesn’t exist.


I Just Don’t…Anything Anymore

I don’t feel. I don’t think. I just…Sit here. I’m numb again, and I don’t know why.

It’s like the colors in my life have been dulled down. Gone are the vibrant beautiful colors of spring. Gone are the vibrant blue shades of my wall. Everything I see feels to be gray. Everything is dull.

I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to be on my laptop. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to sit still. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to be hungry. Heck, I don’t even want to be writing this.

I have no clue what’s wrong, but I’m shutting off. I’m desperately trying to force myself into normalcy, but I don’t think I can. I don’t even know what I want to do. I’m not driven. I’m not craving anything. I have no motivation.

I just don’t…anything anymore.



You know what bugs me? Everyone is always saying that they hate being judged by weight, height, looks, clothes or skin color. Yet they put all these stereotypes on other people. If you’re a white girl then you’re considered stupid and a people pleaser, if you’re a white boy you’re a jock or a douchebag, if you’re a black girl you’re ghetto or a “bad bitch”, if you’re a black guy you’re a threat to society or people think you’re in a gang. Why do we have to stereotype? Yes, I’m a white girl but no I’m not a “typical” white girl. Why is it wrong to judge people about weight, height, looks or clothes but it’s not wrong to stereotype and put people in a box without knowing them? I mean how does that even make sense? People need to stop stereotyping. It’s just as wrong as judging people is.

What Does Modesty Mean?

What does modesty really mean. 

To a lot of people, especially, to Christians, it means wearing clothes that don’t show off their body. I’m not here to bash Christianity, I’m a Christian myself. I am here to bash the sexism that the phrase “modest is hottest” implies.

For a couple years I spent a lot of my time on a website called Project Inspired, which is honestly a terrific concept. Project Inspired is basically a site for (mainly) young Christian girls to talk, ask questions, and encourage each other in a godly way. However, I ended up leaving the site because it was just too much. They had an article that would either come out weekly or bi-weekly, I don’t remember. This article was “Modest is Hottest! We Give One Star a Makeover!”

Now, if the only intent of these articles was to provide modest clothing, that would be fine. Honestly I would have liked that. Instead these articles became a way to judge stars on their clothing choices. There was one time I remember that an article came out, and a lot of bashing went onto the star directly, not just her “immodest” clothing.

“When I first saw the ‘Modest Is Hottest’ article, I was quite pleased that Ms. Gaouette was showing young women that it’s okay to dress modestly, that they didn’t have to go with the crowd. By showing PI users pictures of celebrities dressing modestly, you were showing that following your convictions about appropriate dress didn’t make you a loser. I’m all about challenging social norms! However, when I got to the ‘Modest Makeover,’ I felt like the entire purpose of the articles had been turned on its head. First, we were being taught not to be ashamed of our manner of dress, and then we were being told that we SHOULD be ashamed if we dress in a certain way. I felt (and still feel) like this was just creating another ‘crowd’ to be followed, and that’s not right.” (Eurydice)

This Eurydice was one of the girls on the Project Inspired site. Let me tell you, she is fantastic, and I may not always agree with her ways, but I definitely agreed with her in her plight to get the Modest is Hottest section removed or reformed. This is what part of her email that she sent to the writers said. I myself wrote a letter to them, although I don’t actually remember what I said. I do know that my email was never replied to.

An article that she directed me to was “If You Don’t Want Girls Judged by Their Hemlines, Stop Judging Them by Their Hemlines.” This headline stood out to me particularly. One thing in the article that really stood out to me was this quote:

“Telling women to cover it up is just as surely a form of sexual objectification as telling women to take it off. Either way, you’re reducing a woman to her sexuality instead of considering her as a whole person.” (“If You Don’t Want Girls Judged by Their Hemlines, Stop Judging Them by Their Hemlines.”)

A woman is not just how she dresses. She is not defined as how long her skirt is, or how low her shirt is. It doesn’t matter if you can see cleavage, shoulders, or butt. It doesn’t matter. That is not what she is defined as. Wearing those clothes do not, and I repeat, do not, make her a slut. A lot of girls are bashed for their clothing and sex choices. The problem is that no matter what choices a girl makes, she will get bashed. If she wears clothes that are too long or cover up, she’s a prude. If she doesn’t have sex with anyone, she’s still a prude. Now, if she wears more revealing clothes, she’s a slut or a whore. If she’s even slept with one guy, she can still be called a slut. How exactly is this fair?

To me, I don’t see modesty as covering myself up. I see modesty as to why I’m wearing the clothes I’m wearing. Am I trying to look nice? Or am I trying to get guys to stare at my butt.

If I’m wearing shorts that happen to make my butt look nice, but I’m wearing them for the sake that: it’s either hot outside OR that they make me look nice, whoop-de-do. I find that modest. Now, if I’m purposefully trying to make a guy think lustful thoughts about me, and purposefully trying to make it hard on him, then maybe I’m not so modest. I don’t think it’s so much of the clothes, as the reason.

Now, I’m also going to address the issue of girls being blamed for when a guy thinks lustfully about them. I’m sorry, but I don’t care what a girl is wearing, a guy can still think lustfully about them. When I was fourteen I was in soccer with a guy friend of mine. I assumed that because I wore big baggy shirts and big baggy sports shorts that guys wouldn’t think of me in that way, and I liked that idea. Turns out they still thought of me that way. These boys would go into the locker rooms and talk about what girl they would have sex with and whose boobs were bouncing when they ran. I’m sorry, but how the heck is it my fault if they thought that about me? There’s only so tight of a sports bra that I can wear to get my breasts to stop moving.

Maybe girls shouldn’t be taught to cover up, maybe guys should be taught not to look at us as if we’re pieces of meat. It’s the same thing as telling a girl that she was “asking for it” in the way that she dresses. A girl never asks to be raped, if she did, it wouldn’t be rape. A way that she dresses is not an invitation. Modesty isn’t about how or what clothes you wear, but why you wear them.

If I want to wear a dress because it’s fucking adorable, I’m gonna wear it. I don’t care if you assume it’s too short. If I’m comfortable with it, I’ll wear it. If it’s cute, I’ll wear it. I’m not going out to try and make guys look at my legs (why are they so special anyways..?) I’m going to wear them because the dress makes me look goddamn adorable.


The thing about superheroes is.. While they’re wearing their mask, you can imagine whoever you want to be underneath it, but once that mask comes off and you learn the truth.. Well then the mystery ends and sometimes the hero isn’t who you thought it was, sometimes it’s someone better.

~ Emerald