What’s happening to me?

I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for almost 10 minutes trying to figure out what exactly it is I need to say. Truth is I still don’t know. All I know is that I need to say something. I thought that after awhile this feeling, the loneliness, the pain, would go away. All I had to do was ignore it. But ignoring it hasn’t worked. The truth is I can’t ignore it. It’s always there. Sometimes it’s dormant, not as strong, but then there’s moments when it’s overwhelming. Moments like now. I don’t really know how to describe this feeling. I guess the best way to put it would be to say it’s like this.. anxiety. It’s like it’s eating me up inside. I get antsy and I get worked up. I start to feel claustrophobic, like the walls are closing in. And then it escalates and I start to breathe faster, too fast. My heart rate speeds up and then soon I feel like I just wanna scream, or cry.. or anything to let it out. I don’t really know why I feel this way. I just know that I feel it when I’m lonely. But the worse thing about all of this isn’t all of that. It’s the fact that through it all I just want someone there to hold me, to tell me it’s okay, to make me feel better, but no ones there. Somehow this makes it all so much worse. I probably sound like a freak.. but I don’t care anymore. Bottling it up, keeping it buried isn’t helping, so it’s time that I just said it. I just wish I knew how to make it stop..

~ Emerald

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