Why can’t anyone see me as I really am? That just because I act tough and I respond with sarcastic remarks doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings or that I don’t get hurt by what people say. I do. I do get hurt, I do have feelings. Sometimes all I want to do is cry, but I can’t always let myself. I was always taught not to cry, not to let people see your pain. But just because I don’t show it doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. I do feel it. All the time. I wish people could see that I do care about others, that I care about if someone’s hurt, that just because I tell them to deal with the pain when no one is around doesn’t mean I don’t care, it means I’m trying to help them, show them they don’t have to appear weak to those who try and hurt them. I’m not mean, I’m not always tough, sometimes I break. Like right now, Right now I can barely get these words out because I can’t really see the computer screen, because I’m crying, because I’m finally letting myself feel the pain of what they’re saying about me. But they’ll never see this, they’ll never see me for who I really am and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I always have to be the strong one, the one that doesn’t feel, because I feel. I feel a lot. Why can’t they see that?
Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.
You and I fought all the time about whether or not I knew you. I did. You admitted it last night too. This whole time, all the times you’ve been angry and annoyed at me, at least lately, is because you’re upset with yourself. You’re upset with yourself because you still feel something for me and you shouldn’t. You told me last night. This is what I’ve been thinking for awhile
I hate that I’m right. I don’t want you to have any feelings for me, because I have an extremely large amount of feelings left for you. You feeling anything towards me gives me hope. I don’t want hope. I want to be over you.
I’m not though. I’m not over you. I still get excited when you text me. I still miss you and think about you. Whenever someone asks who I like the first person to pop into my head is you… Not Josh. You’re jealous of him too. I hate that you’re jealous. I don’t want you upset at all. If you asked me to stop with him I would. It makes me terrible.
I would though. You know I would. You know I care about you and how I feel about you. You like me but don’t want to date me…
Oddly enough we’re actually happy this time though, which is weird. We’re getting along and making up odd nicknames for each other. This is weird. I like it though. I think. I just don’t want you unhappy.
You told me you wouldn’t leave this time. I’m trusting you again.
“Don’t wake me up, Don’t wake me..”
Migraines, Panic attacks, Insomnia, Nightmares.. I’m starting to feel like my life is slowly but steadily falling apart. I can’t go more than a day without getting a migraine, I keep getting panic attacks that can last more than a few minutes, I can hardly sleep anymore and when I actually do sleep it’s never restful. I get nightmares, terrible ones, and I wake up restless and irritable. So my question is why? What’s going on with me that all of this is happening? Part of me wants to know why this is happening. The other part doesn’t want to know. Is scared to know. What if it’s something bad? What if it’s something that will only make my life that much more chaotic and scary? I’ve tried to ignore it all, tell myself it’s nothing, but it’s beginning to feel more and more like it’s a lot more than nothing. So what am I supposed to do? Just live with it? That seems like the only choice that saves me from thinking I’m crazy. Am I crazy? I don’t think so. It’s not like I want to go out killing people.. I just want it all to stop! But how? Will it stop on it’s own? What if it doesn’t? What do I do then? Do I tell someone? Do I go to try and get help? I’d rather just live with it.. But what if living with it becomes more and more unbearable? What then? I just want answers. I just want to know why this is happening.
I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for almost 10 minutes trying to figure out what exactly it is I need to say. Truth is I still don’t know. All I know is that I need to say something. I thought that after awhile this feeling, the loneliness, the pain, would go away. All I had to do was ignore it. But ignoring it hasn’t worked. The truth is I can’t ignore it. It’s always there. Sometimes it’s dormant, not as strong, but then there’s moments when it’s overwhelming. Moments like now. I don’t really know how to describe this feeling. I guess the best way to put it would be to say it’s like this.. anxiety. It’s like it’s eating me up inside. I get antsy and I get worked up. I start to feel claustrophobic, like the walls are closing in. And then it escalates and I start to breathe faster, too fast. My heart rate speeds up and then soon I feel like I just wanna scream, or cry.. or anything to let it out. I don’t really know why I feel this way. I just know that I feel it when I’m lonely. But the worse thing about all of this isn’t all of that. It’s the fact that through it all I just want someone there to hold me, to tell me it’s okay, to make me feel better, but no ones there. Somehow this makes it all so much worse. I probably sound like a freak.. but I don’t care anymore. Bottling it up, keeping it buried isn’t helping, so it’s time that I just said it. I just wish I knew how to make it stop..