Maybe I’m Not Ready Because I’m a Bit Too Broken

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I really don’t anymore. So much has happened in the past couple days that I’m just so lost and confused.

I’m hurt. I’m afraid. I’m skeptical. I’m confused.

I’m hurt because you did this to me.

Let me explain, or try to. I like a guy. A lot. As in for the past year I’ve been head over heels for him. Everything leads me back to him. He keeps coming back into my life and I need him there. He’s something amazing.

Now, my “best friends” knew how I felt about this guy. She knew how sad I would get when he liked other girls. She knew that I was insane about him. She knew that I was still hoping that eventually he would like me. She knew that he had loved me once. She knew that he came back recently and said he liked me but he was confused what to do. She knew.

But instead of staying away, she hid him from me. She stayed up until two every night texting him. She told people about it but that they shouldn’t tell me. I found out, and confronted her. She said multiple times that she would stop, she promise it even, but she kept going back. She knew it hurt me.

At the end she promised she would never text him again. Problem was, later it felt like she was hiding something. She was. She was still talking to him. I asked if it was just as friends and she said yes. So I let it go. An hour later she was all over him, cuddling on the couch with him right in front of me. I confronted her about it. She flipped out and told me I was being an immature child and that I needed I get over myself. That she wasn’t doing anything wrong. At all. She was hurting me for a guy she had met a couple weeks ago. She was careless, and rude. Our other best friend got on my case about how wrong I was to be hurt. I’m sorry but I wasn’t. No best friend should chase after the person their best friend likes. Especially because I had such strong feelings for him.

You two were my salvation when things got hard earlier in the year. Now you couldn’t care less about hurting me so deeply. I told you. You knew. You knew it would destroy me. You know that it was.

I’m afraid because I’m losing everyone. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of me being wrong.

I am losing everyone. I tried to keep the guy out of it, but she kept talking about me to him. Acting like I was attacking her and that I was being ridiculous. I’m afraid of losing him and the friends I have through him. I’m afraid of being made out as the crazy girl.

I’m afraid of apologizing for what I did. If I apologize you will think that it was okay to walk all over me like that. It’s not okay. I’m broken. I am sorry for saying rude things. But I’m not sorry for standing up for myself. Before I would have thought I wasn’t worth it. I would have thought I wasn’t special enough for even myself to stand up for. Now I need to stand up for myself. Now I need to try and think I’m worth it.

I’m skeptical because I don’t trust your words.

You lied to me many times before. I know you’re not above lying. You guys both apologized last night. I don’t know what to believe. I’m not ready to answer yet.

You say you had no clue it was hurting me. I told you. I told you so many times. You’ve seen how upset I get over him.

You two’s apologies look so much like each other. I just don’t know. Are you saying this because I know things about you guys you are afraid will get out? Are you actually sorry? Are these words just coming from your mothers? I don’t know what to do.

I’m confused. So confused about everything. Do I want you guys in my life? Can I without being so hurt?

My mom tried to force me to talk to you guys last night. I’m not ready. The counselor doesn’t think I’m ready. I’m not ready. I can’t.

I went insane. My face is sore from crying. My throat is raw from screaming. I had to sleep in my parents bed because they were afraid. I hurt them. Im so wrong. I tried to jump out of the car to get away. I couldn’t think. I’m fine now. Maybe I’m just not thinking anymore. But you guys broke everything. I don’t want to see you right now. I can’t let you see me so broken anymore. I can’t.

I’m not ready,
Bethany

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