Maybe I’m Not Ready Because I’m a Bit Too Broken

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I really don’t anymore. So much has happened in the past couple days that I’m just so lost and confused.

I’m hurt. I’m afraid. I’m skeptical. I’m confused.

I’m hurt because you did this to me.

Let me explain, or try to. I like a guy. A lot. As in for the past year I’ve been head over heels for him. Everything leads me back to him. He keeps coming back into my life and I need him there. He’s something amazing.

Now, my “best friends” knew how I felt about this guy. She knew how sad I would get when he liked other girls. She knew that I was insane about him. She knew that I was still hoping that eventually he would like me. She knew that he had loved me once. She knew that he came back recently and said he liked me but he was confused what to do. She knew.

But instead of staying away, she hid him from me. She stayed up until two every night texting him. She told people about it but that they shouldn’t tell me. I found out, and confronted her. She said multiple times that she would stop, she promise it even, but she kept going back. She knew it hurt me.

At the end she promised she would never text him again. Problem was, later it felt like she was hiding something. She was. She was still talking to him. I asked if it was just as friends and she said yes. So I let it go. An hour later she was all over him, cuddling on the couch with him right in front of me. I confronted her about it. She flipped out and told me I was being an immature child and that I needed I get over myself. That she wasn’t doing anything wrong. At all. She was hurting me for a guy she had met a couple weeks ago. She was careless, and rude. Our other best friend got on my case about how wrong I was to be hurt. I’m sorry but I wasn’t. No best friend should chase after the person their best friend likes. Especially because I had such strong feelings for him.

You two were my salvation when things got hard earlier in the year. Now you couldn’t care less about hurting me so deeply. I told you. You knew. You knew it would destroy me. You know that it was.

I’m afraid because I’m losing everyone. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of me being wrong.

I am losing everyone. I tried to keep the guy out of it, but she kept talking about me to him. Acting like I was attacking her and that I was being ridiculous. I’m afraid of losing him and the friends I have through him. I’m afraid of being made out as the crazy girl.

I’m afraid of apologizing for what I did. If I apologize you will think that it was okay to walk all over me like that. It’s not okay. I’m broken. I am sorry for saying rude things. But I’m not sorry for standing up for myself. Before I would have thought I wasn’t worth it. I would have thought I wasn’t special enough for even myself to stand up for. Now I need to stand up for myself. Now I need to try and think I’m worth it.

I’m skeptical because I don’t trust your words.

You lied to me many times before. I know you’re not above lying. You guys both apologized last night. I don’t know what to believe. I’m not ready to answer yet.

You say you had no clue it was hurting me. I told you. I told you so many times. You’ve seen how upset I get over him.

You two’s apologies look so much like each other. I just don’t know. Are you saying this because I know things about you guys you are afraid will get out? Are you actually sorry? Are these words just coming from your mothers? I don’t know what to do.

I’m confused. So confused about everything. Do I want you guys in my life? Can I without being so hurt?

My mom tried to force me to talk to you guys last night. I’m not ready. The counselor doesn’t think I’m ready. I’m not ready. I can’t.

I went insane. My face is sore from crying. My throat is raw from screaming. I had to sleep in my parents bed because they were afraid. I hurt them. Im so wrong. I tried to jump out of the car to get away. I couldn’t think. I’m fine now. Maybe I’m just not thinking anymore. But you guys broke everything. I don’t want to see you right now. I can’t let you see me so broken anymore. I can’t.

I’m not ready,
Bethany

All I want is to be happy.

“I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me,
Cause i’m just trying to be happy,
Just wanna be happy.”

My whole life I’ve wanted one thing. To be happy. To wake up in the morning and smile because it’s a new day, because I’m truly happy to be alive another day. To go out with friends and truly laugh at their jokes. To smile at a stranger and mean it. I’ve only ever wanted to feel that overwhelming feeling that comes with happiness. The feeling that makes you all giggly and bubbly. The feeling that everything in the world is fine, even if it isn’t. To some people this seems redundant. Who cares right? Well I care. Because I’ve only had that feeling a few times in my life. Briefly. It never lasts though. See, unless you know my story this probably doesn’t make much sense. But you see, I never had much of a chance to feel happy as a kid. I grew up years before I should of had to. Years before any other kid my age had to. See I didn’t have the chance to have the silly and fun childhood everyone else did. Most of my childhood I stayed locked up in my room, praying for an escape of some sort. Praying for the day I’d finally be able to leave it all behind. I won’t get into why, see that’s not something I like to share, but the point is. To you, the average person, you’ve probably had your fair share of happiness. Whereas, I, have not. I want that. I want to wake up happy, fall asleep happy, just be plain happy. I know that happiness can’t last forever. There’ll still be times when I just want to cry, times of pain, but the point isn’t having happiness the rest of my life. It’s just having it for a moment, a split second where I have no fear, no pain, no memories of my past. A moment when I’m just having a good time, where I’m free from it all. I don’t need a lifetime of happiness. Just a second. Just a second of happiness to relieve me of the pain. That’s all I want. All I want.. Is to be happy.

~ Emerald

You Are

You are the memory that I’ll keep
the secret in my sleep.
You are the music that I dream
the loudest I’ll ever scream
You are my quietest plea
the only one I see
You are the raindrops on my face
the thought I can’t quite place
You are the sun on my toes
the wonder when it snows
You are the name I can’t forget
the one I won’t regret
You are the whisper on my lips
the awe of the sun’s eclipse
You are the gentleness of a breeze
the reason I’m at ease
You are the stars at night
the reason my heart takes flight
You are the sweet change of season
the most delicious reason
You are the joy on Christmas morning
the reason my brain is storming
You are the peace of the dark
the most electrifying spark
You are the heat of a warm summers day
the only reason that I stay
You are the sparkle in my eye
the beauty of a blue bird sky
You are a fire burning bright
the soft glowing light
You are the thrill of a surprise
the most desired prize
You are sugar on my tongue
the song yet to be sung
You are the feeling I hold close to my chest
the one I hold above the rest
You are a warm embrace
the one I won’t erase
You are the fire in my veins
the cure for all my pains
You are the comfort of home
the reason I’m not alone
You are the blissful silence
the most addicting presence

Bethany

You Are the Star in the Night

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

You shine. You’re the star in the dark night. You’re a miracle sent from heaven.

You’re strong. 

I admire you for that. You are strong. I always wanted to be as strong as you. I always wanted to be able to handle my emotions as well as you. You’re not a bitch. You are strong. Honestly your personality amazes me. How can someone have been through so much, yet still be so amazing? 

You’re there for me. Honestly you’re always there for me. I wish I could be there for you as much as you’re there for me. I’m going to try. We live so far away, and I miss you so much. I never know how to help you though. 

You are beautiful, courageous, caring, creative, inventive, sassy, smart, and I love how you can stand up for yourself. You aren’t timid. I admire you. The fact that you would stand up for me, is amazing. You’re amazing. I’m so glad I know you.

So Emmie, thank you for being the greatest, 

Bethany

All I have to say

Why me? Why do you chose to tear me down? Why do you try and break the fragile wall I’ve built to keep you out? Why do you call me an emotionless bitch when I’m only trying to do what I have to do to survive? Why? I’m not emotionless, I’m not a bitch. I’m just a girl who’s been through hell and is trying to keep her ahead above water. Yes, I hide my emotions. But I only hide them for reasons like this. I hide them so that you can’t see how deep your words cut, so that you can’t see me dying inside, so that you don’t have another thing to use to hurt me. Yes, sometimes I get defensive and say things to hurt you, but I’m not trying to be a bitch, I’m trying to protect myself from the things your saying about me. I understand that maybe your life sucks, but that doesn’t give you the right to hurt me or to use me to make yourself feel better. But I know that even if I told you all this you wouldn’t care. So all I have to say is, why?

~ Emerald

This I Believe: Insecurity Is Selfishness

I believe that insecurity is selfishness. Chances are everyone is insecure about something in their life, however it shouldn’t take over our thoughts and actions.

Society has become all about itself, myself included. I’ve seen this happen firsthand so much because of how insecure I am. I never realized until this year that really most of my insecurity was just me being selfish. For years I truly thought my insecurity was brought on by other people, when in reality it was just me being overly worried about what other people thought of me.

It was all about me and never about them.

want people to like me. What does he think of me? Do these clothes fit me? want to be liked. Does my hair look good? Am good at this sport? hope they like me. Am good enough?

It’s not easy to avoid being selfish, especially being a teenage girl. Society tells me that I should spend forever in the morning making myself beautiful. That I should try and get people to like me, and if they don’t then I should try and change myself. Not until this past year did I realized that I wasn’t just insecure, but that I was also extremely selfish. It wasn’t just a one big moment where I realized it, but through a series of small moments. Even though each of these moments were small, they had big impacts on me, especially when I think of them all together.

The first moment that triggered my belief about insecurity was when I met my best friend.

When I met him I was going through a rough time, and I was very worried about what everyone was thinking about me. I was sure that in their minds I was just another weird girl, or that they just didn’t notice me. However, the guy who would soon become my best friend saw me, and instantly decided I was the kind of girl he wanted in his life as a friend. He told me that I made such a big impact on him and how much he loved my personality. That guy also continued to build me up and help with my self-esteem. He showed me that people don’t always think bad things about people, and sometimes they don’t think anything of you at all.

He helped cure some of my insecurity and made me open my eyes and realize that it was just me being selfish.

The second moment that contributed to my view happened when I attended an orientation for my brother when he went to college. There was a speech given by the President of the college that really hit me hard.

The speech was about how many people make their lives about themselves instead of other people. It wasn’t about how being insecure was selfish, but it did talk about being selfish and it got me thinking into how when I worry about people’s thoughts,  I’m being a truly selfish person.

I really started to think a lot about what brings people to be insecure. Humans crave social acceptance. That’s why I always wondered what people were thinking about when they saw me. I spent so much time trying to know what others thought of me, and I never spent enough time trying to help them instead. I just wanted them to think highly of me, and didn’t really think about anyone else. The problem is that what they think and why they think it is not my business. My business should not be about how or what they think of me, but of what I can do for them. When I let myself wonder about their thoughts, it just becomes all about me.

When I wonder about how people think of me, I’m really trying to make the whole world revolved around me. I finally realized how ridiculous it was that I was so extremely insecure about who I was and what people thought about me.

One of my favorite quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt says “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

This is so true, people really don’t think about me as much as I originally thought they did.

Even if they did that’s none of my business. Not only can insecurity become selfishness, but it also can make someone very unhappy. It’s not easy to forget about other’s thoughts and try to focus on being good to them, but the few times I did stop being insecure, I was much happier. I believe that insecurity is selfishness, especially when we let it take over our thoughts and actions.

If we’re always worried about how people think of us, when will we have time for them. 

Society has become all about “I.”

want this. want that. need this.

To be honest, that’s only okay if you’re a two year-old. They can get away with being selfish, because that’s how two year-old kids are. But they grow out of it… Usually.

I am a sixteen year-old girl. I am still selfish. still want that. still need that.

Our society is based off of what we want. What interests us. Not what could be beneficial for other people, but for ourselves. 

There’s a difference between modesty and insecurity.

Being modest doesn’t mean that we have to hate how we look, it just means we stop thinking about ourselves, and start thinking about other people.

I’ve found that on the days when I can totally stop worrying about what people think of me, I am far happier. I have more time to write, I have more time to draw, I have more time to talk to my friends, my conversations are better and far more exciting. And sometimes on those days I get to do something special, I get to help people. Because I’m not focused on how this person thinks of me, or how that person thinks of me. I’m worried about trying to make that person feel good about themselves.

It’s not easy, especially being a teenage girl. Society tells me that I should spend forever in the morning making myself beautiful. That I should try and get people to like me.

I don’t want to be so insecure it consumes me. I want to be modest. I want to be happy. I want to be helpful. I want to care for other people.

I want to be selfless, not selfish. 

Bethany

Ramblings and Confusions

Today I just want to ramble.

I’m sitting around. I’m waiting for you. Probably ridiculously stupid…right?

Here’s the thing, if you were waiting around for me, or any other guy for that matter, it would be considered sweet. I’m a girl though, so when I sit around and wait, it’s considered pathetic.

I’m not.

I’m not pathetic or weak. I’m not crazy or unstable. I’m not stupid or ugly. I’m not worthless or desperate.

Let me explain to you why I’m not any of those things.

First of all, I’m not pathetic because I’m driven. I have a purpose to my life. I’m not pathetic nor am I weak. I’m stronger than you think. I’ve been through so much more than you can ever imagine. I’m still here aren’t I? I’m still smiling and helping people. I’m not crazy, I have emotions that you don’t understand. I’m not unstable, I’m just hurt because you drag me in circles and play with my feelings. However I’m not unstable, I know exactly what I’m doing and why. I have every reason to. I’m stupid? Say that again to my 100 averages. Say that again when you see me graduating highschool at sixteen. I dare you. Me being ugly? Sorry that I look different. Different isn’t bad. I’m proud of how I look. I may not always like it, but no girl does. Do you know how many comments I get on my “natural beauty?” Just because you don’t like how I look, doesn’t mean that I’m ugly. I’m not worthless, nor should I be worthless to you. I’ve done so much for you. Who helped you whenever you needed it? Me. I’d love to see where you’d be in your life without me. You call me desperate? No. I’m a girl who has feelings for someone. That’s different. If I were “desperate” for a guy, I would chase after every guy that came along. No, I’d much prefer that I’m dedicated. I’m not a lost little puppy dog. I’m fiery and I stand up for myself.

I’m still waiting for you though.

Everyone thinks you have feelings for me…Even I myself think you have feelings for me.. I just don’t want to sound delusional or anything.

But you do care about me. Even when you say you don’t. I know you, and I know you care.

You still yell at people who put me down. You still keep me away from any scumbag people. You keep me out of bad situations. You still comfort me when I’m upset. You still linger to make sure I’m okay, even when I say you can go and have fun. You still look at me the way that you don’t look at other people. Your touch is still caring.

I know you better than anyone else. So don’t say you don’t care when you do. I know you.

I know your smile. I can tell when you’re faking. Your eyes say it all. I know your laugh. I know your walk. I know how you move. I know when you’re irritated and when you’re happy. I know when you’re upset and when you like someone. I know how you flirt. I know when its just your personality and when you truly are interested in someone. I know you. 

Can’t you just accept that I know you? I know your story, personality, mannerisms, and feelings.

Stop trying to force me to stop caring. It makes it worse. Just let it go away on its own.

Bethany