So Why Is It Me?

I see you in the halls giving me the look. What have I ever done to you?

You’re spreading rumors about me again. How come I have so much on you but I’ve never told anyone?

I know things. You begged him for sex and he said no. You’ve been with a new guy every other week.

So why me? Why am I the whore. I slept with one guy. I made a mistake. I regret it. He manipulated me. Yes it was my choice in the end. Once I did it though? I cried myself to sleep for weeks.

So why do you get to tell people what I’ve done. Why me? Why am I the whore.

Can’t you just let me be?

Take A Step Back

Take a step back. Take a deep breath. First of all, is what you’re mad over really worth it? Do you even know what you’re mad over? Is your hate for someone bigger than God’s commandments? God says that anyone who hates another person, is a murderer. So what’s stopping you from letting go?

This is something I struggle with a lot. I’m the kind of girl that wants revenge when someone calls me stupid because honestly, my intelligence is about the only thing I’m confident in. I’m the kind of girl who wants to get back at someone when they spread rumors about me because I don’t have people to back me up or who know who I really am.

Recently I went through my first big fight at my new school. At the time I thought it was totally worth it to fight back.

I had made friends with a really nice guy who was in all of my classes. The problem? I found out he had a girlfriend, a jealous girlfriend. Now I wasn’t interested in this guy at all, I’m officially done with guys till at least college. The other day I saw that this guy’s girlfriend had a twitter account, so I tried to follow her because hey, when you’re new, that’s what you do. You get connected. The issue was that this girl had blocked me. I didn’t know why at the time, but my initial reaction was pretty much that it didn’t really matter. But then the glaring started in the hallways and to be honest I wasn’t exactly sure why this was happening. Then I heard that she had broken up with my friend because he had sent one snapchat to me.

I being the big mouthed, short tempered, immature little girl that I am, decided it would be a lovely idea to make a comment about how insecure she was. This pretty much started World War III between at least ten girls from my school. There were girls I didn’t even know who were ganging up on me saying that I had “stalked” this guys girlfriend and then shown him tweets to break them up. I honestly thought this girl was just making stuff up because she was insecure and didn’t like me.

Then I went to youth group, and the lesson was on revenge and fighting. Seriously, why does that always happen to me? God continually directs messages at me and it eats away at my conscious until I do something.

I stopped. I took a step back, and I took a much needed deep breath. And I apologized to one of the girls involved. She came into school the next day telling me how sorry she was, and that she had only been trying to defend my friend’s girlfriend. She explained to me that she thought both sides had been seriously misinformed, so I asked her to mention to the girlfriend that I wanted to apologize to her.

I’m seriously so glad I did that, because when I finally got up the courage to walk up to this girl and sincerely apologize to her, I found out the whole story. We both had been misinformed by people and neither of us had actually done anything to each other until the whole fight began. She had been told I was showing her boyfriend things to break them up, which someone had been but it wasn’t me. I had been told that she broke up with him because he became friendly with me, when really it was that he was talking to a bunch of girls and ignoring her. I was so sure she wouldn’t believe me or that she’d just make fun of me and continue hating me for the rest of the school year.

She didn’t. She apologized to me, said she seriously respected me and that I was a really brave kind of person. We even spent the rest of the time laughing and talking to each other. She admitted to jumping to conclusions and having a temper. I admitted to freaking out, blowing things out of proportion, and to saying awful things. Now, I think I’ve made a friend, which is seriously cool because hey, she’s not that bad. I also think I might be growing up a little. Apologizing to her had to have been one of the scariest things I’ve done, but it was so, so worth it.

I understand not all instances are like mine. But sometimes they can be. Sometimes you need to let it go and just apologize. Things with that person may not be fully repaired, they may not like you, but usually, they respect you for having that much courage.

Just A Little Bit Lonely

I’m alone
Yeah, I don’t know if I can face the night
I’m in tears and the cryin’ that I do is for you
I want your love – Let’s break the walls between us
Don’t make it tough – I’ll put away my pride
Enough’s enough I’ve suffered and I’ve seen the light

You could say I’m a little sick of being the new girl. I haven’t even moved that much, I’m just always the new person.  I don’t think people realize how hard it is to be new everywhere you go. I don’t have deep connections with anyone, yeah I have good friends… but I’m not exactly a part of their life. I don’t even have friends to run back to, I don’t have people I can visit or call up when I’m feeling particularly lonely.

For pretty much my whole life I was homeschooled, so yeah I knew people in my town, but not as many as I should have. I didn’t go to school with these people, and I didn’t know them from birth. We didn’t have any inside jokes and I usually had no idea what they were talking about. They were so used to me not being there that they just excluded me without knowing it. No one really notices the lonely girl.

Then, two years ago I moved, and I’ve met some amazing people. The problem? I’m still new. You would think that two years would give you enough time to find a group of friends and start getting connected. It’s not. Sure I’ve found people, and they may be my best friends, but I’m not theirs. I may love them, and they might think I’m pretty cool, but they already have friends they want to hang out with.

To make it even worse, the people from my hometown didn’t have a deep connections with me. That made it so easy for them to forget about our ‘friendship’ and turn on me. It was just so easy for them to make fun of me and to spread rumors about me.  I don’t have people to turn to, and I’m trying so hard, but I feel just too lonely.

In Awe

So I really just wanted to share this with all you lovely people, because something amazing happened today, and something horrible.

My new friend, who I really adore, asked me if I wanted a ride to the SATs since I can’t drive myself. I really wanted to go with this girl, but I ended opting for someone else who I’m just a little iffy about. I didn’t know why I went with her, and I was seriously regretting getting my ride with this girl. That is until the ride home when my friend who I had wanted to get a ride with was in an accident. She wasn’t hurt at all, she’s perfectly fine, but her whole passenger side is caved in and if anyone was there with her, they would be dead right now.

I’m seriously in awe of God right now.