“Perhaps without the lows, The highs could not be reached..”
I never realized how true that was until now. How boring would life be if everything was just.. perfect? If everyone was perfect? If nothing ever went wrong? And if it did everyone just forgave you? How boring and annoying would everyone be? How would you ever really be an individual?
~ Emerald
Ouch. Every time I replay that in my head, it makes me sound even more selfish each time.
Is that really what you think of me? Haven’t you noticed?
I wanna be found. I’m trying, my closest friends know. They’re helping somewhat.
But I think I need you. I’m in my good phase now, I want it to end. I don’t wanna slip. I don’t want to fall.
There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you’d only try turning around.
I’ve been told I was dramatic. I’ve been told I was faking. I’ve been told it wasn’t real.
Some of my “friends” have mocked me for it. One of my ex’s told the entire town. He didn’t care when I told him. Only one of them did. Others just brushed it off. I don’t want attention, I just want someone to care.
I’m breathing but I’m dead,
Bethany
This is for anyone who tried to bring me down. Successful of not.
I got the news today. It’s going to work. Finally.
I worked my butt off the last two years, and this is it. My final year. It’s gonna be hell.
But I’m doing it.
To anyone who has called me stupid, you’re wrong. I’m graduating high school at sixteen.
Honors courses, Japanese, Sign Language, and college classes. Yet I still came out on top.
Insult my intelligence, I dare you.
Go ahead, try to bring me down.
Because I’m accomplishing my goal.
But all these days,
they feel like they’re the same,
Just different faces,
different names,
Get me out of here..
Everywhere I look it all looks the same. The same people trying to tear me down, the same place keeping me trapped, the same rules telling me what do. When do I get to get out of here? When do I get to be happy? When? Don’t I deserve it? What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently?
~ Emerald
Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.
It has to be a certain kind of madness for me to still care about you.
Don’t you know you’re the start if it all?
You broke me down. You told me I was lucky to love you, that you allowed it.
How could I have been so stupid?
Don’t you know you mentally abused me? I almost wish it was physical. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so worthless. I could have fought back. I was almost as strong as you, I know self defense…
But I don’t know how to defend myself against words. Especially when made to think they’re true.
Ugly, weird, annoying, worthless, unfit. You hated my hair. You hated my stomach. My butt wasn’t good enough. My voice hurt your ears.
Why did I allow it to go on?
Oh yeah, because I loved you.
And now I’m empty.
Love save the empty.
Bethany
Tell me again why I make these things? I don’t have anyone to make it for. Not anymore at least. Basically it’s a big mess. But it’s all how I feel
Bethany
Dear Parents,
Yes, I often thought that you were over protective. I often thought that you didn’t give me enough attention. I never understood why you said no. I didn’t understand why wearing bikinis wasn’t okay, or why the fingertip rule was so enforced.
I used to think I wasn’t good enough. I used to think I wasn’t popular enough. I could never look as good as those girls in the pictures. I never had the boys following me around.
For awhile I blamed you. For awhile I hated you. Why couldn’t you let me be like the other girls?
But now I know, this is how I could have (probably) ended up. With no respect for myself. I am NOT desperate. I hold myself to a higher standard than a lot of the girls around my age. I will continue doing so until I find that guy who will love ME. Not my sex appeal.
I now know the difference between a guy who calls me hot, and guy who calls me beautiful. Trying to look like the other girls is only worse in the end. I don’t need to become something else to get attention. That’s the wrong kind to get.
I no longer find skimpy clothes attractive. It’s no longer an appealing thought to have guys fawn over me for my looks. I don’t want to show my whole body to everyone. I don’t want guys eyes on my breasts or on my butt.
I’m ashamed that girls who blatantly screamed for attention like this, used to be my roll model.
I don’t want that anymore.
I don’t want to be a possession.
And parents? You made me this way.
I love you for it, Bethany
Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.
Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no responsible adult has ever said the word “no,” made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.
If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hang out like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.
Why would I do that? Because…
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I hate you. There I said it. I hate how you talk, I hate how you walk, I hate how you tell me what to do, I hate how I have to listen to you, I hate how you tear me down, I hate that I can’t leave, I hate that you won’t let me be, I hate how you act around other people, I hate how your fake with others, I hate how you pretend to care about me. I hate it all. Even if I shouldn’t, even if I’m supposed to love you I don’t. You don’t deserve it with how you’ve treated me.
~Emerald
Sometimes I sit down and wonder if love still exists. It seems that no one can stay together anymore. And they all claim it’s because it just “doesn’t work” anymore. But how can they just give up? If they still love each other how can they just walk away? Which brings me back to this, Does love even exist anymore? And if it does where is it? Sometimes all I can do is hope it does, because if it doesn’t.. Well then I don’t see much hope for any of us. What kind of world would this turn into if love just stopped existing? What would we fight for anymore? What would we hope for? What would we dream about? What would happen to us all? I don’t know the answers to these questions, I wish I did but I don’t, but all I know is I have to hope there’s love out there. I have to believe that somewhere out there, there is love.. Somewhere, someday..
~ Emerald
I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Why is it that I continually try, even though I know that I’ll fall? It hurts.
I’ve gone through a lot in the past sixteen years. Abandoned by friends, cheated on by a boyfriend, bullied by the people I trusted most. I’ve been lied to, screwed over, left behind, mocked, pushed around, and forgotten. So why do I keep putting myself out there?
One of the answers is that I’m a mental masochist. I’m drawn to things that I know will hurt me. I don’t know if that’s the correct term, but it sounds about right. I ask questions that I know will have a hurtful answer. I’m loyal to people even though I know they’ll hurt me. I talk to people, even though I know they’ll say something about me. I tell my secrets to people even though I know they’ll be spread around. I still wonder how he’s doing, even though he hurt me. I’m too curious, and I snoop where I shouldn’t. Even if I have permission I shouldn’t.
But I do.
Curiosity killed the red-head.
That sounds about right. A curious mental masochist.
Bethany
